The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 639 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
My stomach was in tight knots as I read this. You replayed the moments at the lake perfectly. I found myself there. What a wonderful lesson on the mercy of our Lord. Nicely done.
06/03/05
I liked it until the last three paragraphs when the style shifted and second person.
06/04/05
I agree with the comment that Dub made concerning your close. It is a piece that is well worth a rewrite, however. You did an excellent job describing the event to the point that I too was holding my breath worrying that she was going to drown. If the point that you were making was the way we get entangled in worldly things. It would help the flow to introduce that in the beginning of the piece and then wrap it up nicely at the end. I wouldn't change the description of the near drowning that was perfection.
06/08/05
Me too. The ending was too much of a shift, but it was very well written. What if you stick to Sally Sue's feelings rather than interject with your own POV?