The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
02/28/08
I love the bits of dialect that add authenticity to this story. Well done.
This is a very good example of living our faith. Be sure to let somebody edit your work for errors before you submit it. It would have read a lot smoother without the verb and spelling errors. But the pov is well taken here.
02/29/08
Creative - and good characterization. Enjoyed this.
02/29/08
I can almost smell the pizza, see the characters and hear the singing -- excellent story.
03/01/08
Realistic characters and natural dialogue.

Perhaps consider getting a challenge buddy who can help you proofread and fix the grammar and spelling errors.

Keep writing.
03/01/08
Good message and story line; however, (A genuine critique) needs tightening up as it rambles. Also needs editing BEFORE entering...as others have already stated, to edit out errors & typos. Practice makes perfect. Keep at it!
03/01/08
On topic, needs what previous commenters have said, keep writing and practicing.
I think I'd lose the beginning if you ever rewrite this- it has little to do with the plot of the story and is therefore misleading. Besides that, you have a good pace.