The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
02/02/08
Oh my, this is powerful--that selection from Isaiah at the end really clinches it, doesn't it?

One small nitpick: "it's self" should be one word, unhyphenated--"itself".

It was amazing how you were able to bring us into this man's soul...a dark piece, very well done.
02/05/08
You did a great job relating your MC's thoughts and motivations. I loved the irony contained in your last paragraph. Need to be more careful with punctuation and spelling. Great read!
02/05/08
You have written some wonderful descriptions here - the people leaving the underground trains, the various passengers' descriptions. I like that you ended it the way you did - we knew what was happening and you gave just enough clues to the final outcome. The Isaiah passage at the end is a great touch and you worked it in well with the repetition of phrase.

Red ink: a few spelling errors that spellcheck won't catch :-( "bowels" instead of "bowls". I usually see "backpack" written as one word.
02/05/08
WOW! Where do I start. YOu had some very good word imagery. Here's my favorite line.

"The doors swished aside a released a wave of captives who seemed as eager to escape as though they were leaving hell. The backwash was equally as eager to take their places."

I also liked the seen inside the subway car.

Red Ink: Do you have an edit buddy? There were a few minor errors another set of eyes would have caught for you.

Good job!
02/05/08
This drew me in and kept me right there with the MC. Wonderful description and a great passage at the end.
02/05/08
Powerful writing and an inside look at the mind of the TRUE infidel. The only red ink I suggest is a buddy to edit the little typos and errors that can sneak past our own eyes as writers. The style of your writing is very modern and edgy. Wonderful.
02/07/08
Truth is always powerful stuff. How are men so easily deceived? Writing with the bold spirit that Jesus gave us. Keep it up.
Very, very well written. I was totally engrossed in the story. I could "see" everything as it happened.
02/07/08
Oh WOW. This is absolutely excellent - your descriptions are amazingly vivid and the cautionary tale is incredibly visual and real. I really, REALLY hope this places.
Wow, and double WoW! You have a gift for storytelling that's evident here...and especially that super valuable skill for choosing the perfect ending! I would imagine that with a few corrections that have already been mentioned, this one would have soared in the placings! Great job!