The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
Very sad that indeed people actually make these kind of choices and lose so much.
01/18/08
Great depiction of the topic, and what a change! A lesson worth learning. Watch your exclamation points. I like your last line - sums it all up, doesn't it? Keep writing.
01/20/08
I love your catchy title, and your message was right on topic.
01/21/08
This is good because you've got the hang of writing on topic, your grammar is good, and you can tell a story that has a beginning, middle and end. Now that you have all that, it's time to work on showing, not telling, e.g. instead of saying his feet hurt, say something like, he collapsed on the kitchen chair, pulled off his socks, and gingerly began to massage the soles of his feet.
01/21/08
This is good. I like the energy in the beginning where he's so excited and is absolutely sure that everything's going to work out just like that. I just wish there was a little more transition between his having everything and then nothing. Otherwise, this was pretty good. ^_^
01/22/08
This is a great illustration of the topic. The frenzied pace at the beginning was perfect -- I could picture the conversation taking place.

I would have liked a little more "present tense" story when the job offers didn't happen -- just to keep the story flowing in present time rather than telling after the fact.

Your writing is very enjoyable to read, and your storyline fit the topic perfectly. Good job.
01/22/08
Great on topic piece here that was interesting and real... can just see it happening... sad but great illustration of the proverb.!
01/22/08
Very good showing his excitement through the dialogue. A little more transition from beginning to end, but still this piece was very well done! Keep up the good work! (I like exclamation marks too! LOL)
I agree with the others about the good energy and pace.
Just remember that this can't be used again if they put up a "don't count your chickens before they hatch" topic. *grin*
01/23/08
I can almost smell the beans cooking...this is a wonderful story, right on topic. It reads like a skit
01/23/08
Nice foreshadowing - "potential job offers". Ya' know that can't turn out well. ;-)
I like the last two sentences as a way to show how tired he was.
01/23/08
I lived near a "town" called Podunk Center. :) Great story for this topic, sad...but great writing.
Congratulations, so right on topic and so sad, keep up the good words.
01/24/08
***Congrats***
01/24/08
Congratulations Sharon. Very good job with the topic. Woo Hoo.
01/24/08
Congratulations on 3rd place! It is a terrific piece!