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If I go first, I hope that he quickly moves on with the business of living. Sometimes people get stuck at a certain point in the grieving process and never get back to enjoying the rest of their own lives. After thirty-nine years of being together there will be the need to adjust to my absence. A good support system of family and friends should allow for an easier move toward re-grouping.
I don't want him to spend too much time alone. Hopefully he'll remember that "'til death do us part" releases the bond. Of course, memories will remain, but they should provide strength and not put a damper on another relationship. My life's meaning would be diminished if my passing resulted in his failure to thrive. That's my secret fear. I've seen people literally cut themselves off from the land of the living after losing a spouse. It is heartbreaking.
When he said that he loves way I sing "oh, my love, my darling, I've hungered for your touch..." while we dance to Unchained Melody, a weird thought crossed my mind. He won't dance to that with anyone else after I'm gone. I feel like I would be "haunting" him in a way. Perhaps my vibes are over-sensitive but it upsets me because he refuses to listen to "that kind of talk."
Why can't we discuss death? I realize it's not a happy topic, but it's going to happen. People wait until it's too late to tell their partners how they feel about the subject. I want to say, "Bob, please know that I want you to find someone to love after I'm gone. As a matter of fact, Pat's not only my best friend, she's sweet, kind, funny, caring, and...well, it would be great if you asked her out. The two of you get along so well, and if you fell in love, she would be a wonderful wife."
Naw, he doesn't want to hear it. But I said it anyway, not to him but to God.
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