It was too late to turn back, I held my breath until I felt the wheels hit the runway. I thought about whether I needed this complicated but necessary journey. Filled with mixed emotions I felt the plane come to a stop and with a sigh of relief I gathered my things.
I didn’t know who I was looking for as I looked around at all the people in the terminal.
“Yes,” I said as I turned to see a petite lady in a suit .
I wonder how she knew it was me, does it look obvious? I thought.
“How was your trip?“ she asked.
She was bubbly with a kind attitude.
“ It was good,” I replied.
I’d never been to California so I was busy taking in all the sights along the way.
I had mixed emotions as we pulled up to the facility even though it was suppose to be the best. I was questioning the commitment I made to myself for wellness.
Intake questions, then finally to my room. I was so surprised to learn that my roommate, Lana, lived a short distance from me. We hit it off right from the start.
I saw the plaque on the door, I hesitated a moment, my first meeting and I was nervous . I knocked gently.
“C’mon in!” a deep strong voice responded. I opened the door and slowly peeked around the corner, as our eyes met I first noticed his big smile. I reached out to shake his hand, he came to me quickly as he reached for mine cradling it in both his hands.
“I’m so glad to have this opportunity to meet you, Teresa,“ he said.
I felt my body relax as I sensed his gentle nature.
“My name is Doctor Andrew Nicholas Howard the third but people usually just call me Doc Jake,” he said as we both smiled.
He led me over to a comfortable sitting area, he grabbed a pad of paper, a pen and put his glasses on.
“Okay, where do we start?” his words breaking the silence.
“At the beginning?” I questioned.
“Are you angry with God?” his question came quickly.
I looked at him speechless pondering over the question he just asked.
“Angry with God?” I questioned again as the words repeated through my mind.
”No, I could never be angry with God, he has given me more than I could ever hope for!” I stated.
“It’s okay if you are angry with God,” he said and he left it at that.
We talked about the beginning, touch on the middle and the time slipped away. That question kept running through my mind distracting me from what we had talked about.
I went back to my room and plopped down on my bed staring at the ceiling.
“How’d it go?” my roommate asked.
“God is gracious and kind, he loves me, he only wants the best for me,” I said softly as I felt the tears welling up in my eyes.
“Is everything alright?” Lana asked as she sat on the bed beside me.
I looked up at her as the tears started to roll down my cheeks.
“I had my first session with Doc Jake and he asked me if I was angry with God”. I never thought I was and never want to be but I think I might be, a little” I said as my cry turned to sobs.
“Why did he allow me to be neglected as a child?
Why did he allow me to suffer physical abuse?
Why did he allow people to die that I loved so much?
Why did he allow me to be rejected?
Maybe I am angry” I said sadly.
Lana took my hand and said “Sometimes we don’t understand why we have to go through different heartaches and trials in our lives. We only know that God loves us and we need to trust him. We are here in this facility in hopes to develop a better understanding of the hurts we’ve had in our lives and the roll God played in those situations. So we can heal and not be angry with God or ourselves. You’ve taken the first step towards that healing today”.
I knew it was going to be a process that would take me through the anger, depression and pain and I would find the open arms of God on the other side to wholeness and love..
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