The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
06/02/07
Oh, how sad! I hope this is fiction--if not, my heart goes out to you.

In general, sound effects detract from a story such as this. The "boo hoos" at the end and the "vroom", for example can be expressed more effectively.

Keep writing!
06/04/07
What a tragic story, which I sincerely hope was written as fiction. There were a few punctuation errors, and you used "flys" instead of
"flies," but a little proofreading would fix these. After reading your piece, I am so glad believers in Christ have hope that we will see again someday our loved ones who have gone before us!