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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Write in the SCIENCE FICTION genre (05/10/07)

TITLE: THE LINE WENT DEAD
By Paul Potenza
05/14/07


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THE LINE WENT DEAD

The transporter clicked three times.

That was the signal. They were "Good To Go".

The destination was friendly. In fact they were on their way to a party.

This was a little bit of a departure from their usual "hostile" encounters.

The team of twelve had battled courageously against seemingly unstoppable forces and this was their first break in awhile. They all looked forward to it. After all, they were strangers on this planet.

When "White Seven" (The CO's call sign) indicated that it was safe to approach, they stepped off.

Martha met them on the "LP" (Landing Pad) and welcomed them with opened arms, an opened house, and a bit of a closed heart. She had a sister named Mary who (in Martha's opinion) was a little too attached to the leader of the expedition. Not that Martha could blame Mary. After all, the commander was smart and savvy, and although not particularly handsome, had something about him that could attract you.

Anyway, as Martha had expected, Mary sat all night at the commander's feet, listening to all he had to say while Martha was stuck with the preparations. "Which food substance would the men prefer? What will the sleeping arrangements be? Who will dry dock the ship?"

In a moment of complete exasperation she keyed the mike and said..."Commander...I'm doing all this work for you. Don't you care that my sister is just sitting there?!?! TELL her to come and help me."

The commander radioed back.

"Negative on your last. I came here to be appreciated.

Sometimes, "works" won't do it...Sometimes I need an opened heart.

Transmission Complete...

Commander out."

And the line went dead.


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This article has been read 573 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Shari Armstrong 05/17/07
A nice twist on the Biblical story. The explanations in parenthesis might have flowed better just spelled out, unless in a longer piece and it's worked in to explain the abbreviations, maybe through dialog (which are quite often used in SciFi -especially military SciFi). I liked the line about the open arms, open house, but a closed heart.
Amy Michelle Wiley 05/17/07
Hehe, fun twist on a familiar story.
william price05/21/07
I enjoyed the storyline. Good job. God bless.
Marilyn Schnepp 05/24/07
Very, very creative. Enjoyed this short, sweet and to the point biblical story set in a sci fi arena. The Commander and his 12 aliens - thought it brilliant!
Edy T Johnson 05/24/07
This is so creative. I would have been in the dark until the end, except for the names Martha and Mary. (^8^)
I, too, really liked the line about the open house but closed heart. I like your clever twist, putting the Bible account into a futuristic scenario.