Tears trickled down Carrie’s face, dropping one by one off her chin, dotting the front of her white blouse. Her hands clutched the steering wheel; her mind raced. “Why doesn’t Tim seem bothered? Our relationship is at a stand still, and he acts perfectly content… unaffected. Is that how he feels when he thinks of me… no powerful feelings in one direction or another?”
After two years in a relationship, Carrie had hoped for more than unaffected and uncertain. Her dream had been a man who swooned over her, a man who made gallant attempts to win her heart. Perfection wasn’t her expectation, but pursuit was.
What should she do now? End the relationship? Push him to make a decision? Or just learn to be more patient, allowing time to take its course? She had hoped, by now, that the promise of marriage would be on the horizon, but Tim’s hesitation was clear - not spoken, not even acknowledged, but certainly evident.
Seeking to drown out the torrent of impending what-ifs, Carrie grabbed the radio dial and cranked the volume. Bad idea. The popular ballad playing on her favorite station declared the intensity of requited love.
“Every time our eyes meet
This feeling inside me
Is almost more than I can take”
“What a bunch of bull,” Carrie said in annoyance. Not even Carrie, whose heart was definitely on the line when it came to Tim, felt the height of passion expressed in these sentiments.
With more force than necessary she punched preset number two. There she discovered a song better suited to her situation. Kelly Clarkson’s rich vocals gave voice to the deep frustrations Carrie was experiencing.
“Is it so hard
To give me what I need?
I want your heart to bleed
That’s all I’m asking for
Where is your heart?”
Carrie chimed in with the words, amidst increasing tears. The song, however, only aided in making Carrie feel worse – angrier, emptier, more dissatisfied. “I should wallow here,” she thought, but something caused her to move forward, to switch the channel once again.
“Just to be with you, I'd do anything.
There's no price I would not pay.
Just to be with you, I'd give anything.
I would give my life away.”
Carrie’s tears changed. They didn’t disappear; they were redirected. Instead of wallowing, they were worshipping. The greatest desire of her heart had been met – by the One that placed it there, by the One she had so carelessly cast aside in seeking its fulfillment, by the One that was willing to die to make it possible. She was loved. She was pursued. She was affected.
Carrie pulled into her normal parking place at the foot of her apartment complex, stopped the car, and sat still. The words of the song still resounded in her head - her body relaxed, her heart freer, her hope clearer.
Today - on accident - she found release, romance, and rendezvous – not where she intended but where she was intended to.
The sanctuary of her car, the love of her Savior, and the song of her heart united, drawing her back to her first love.
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