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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Doctor/Nurse (11/02/06)

TITLE: Impatient patient
By Ed VanDeMark


Impatient patient

I would love to write a nice story about how this doctor or that nurse changed my life but I canít do that. It has nothing to do with the competence or character of the medical professionals that Iíve crossed paths withÖitís the proverbial me.

When my doctor handed me a fat free diet I glanced at it and handed it back to her. I said, ďIíd rather be dead.Ē My wife was inclined to grant my wish.

When I was told to eat oatmeal to remedy my high cholesterol, I responded by saying that I would eat raisin bran. When she said that raisin bran wouldnít improve my condition I countered with shredded wheat. She continued to recommend oatmeal, so I agreed to eat Wheatina. This Mexican standoff continued with her insisting on oatmeal. Having just run out of acceptable cereals I said ďbut oatmeal has the consistency of snot.Ē

My life long attitude has been put a band-aid on it, sew it up, or give me a pill but donít suggest a life style change.

Every dentist that Iíve ever met is big on flossing. Iíd rather spend two hours a year getting my teeth filled than deal with dental floss 365 times a year.

When Iím asked about my favorite foods I respond with ďsugar and salt in that order.Ē Ice cream, potato chips and a daily vitamin pill constitute a balanced diet. Maple syrup is an antioxidant. Ham is a heart healthy food. High blood pressure just proves that the old ticker is doing a better than average job moving my blood around.

I go to the doctor to confirm that my chest pains are still gastric distress rather than something important. Once it is re-established that itís only gas I stop by McDonalds to celebrate with a Happy Meal.

My wife has a treadmill and from time to time I sit down and talk with her while she is working out. My bladder gives me all the exercise I need. Every half hour it forces me to get off the couch and take a walk.

Both my family doctor and my dentist are good people. They treat me with dignity and Iím sure that they have my best interest at heart. There are only two possible explanations for why they send me off to so many specialists. The more likely one is that they want me to live forever. The other is that they have run out of clues about how to make that happen.

In reality, Iíve had excellent medical care from many caring doctors, dentists and nurses. While my comments concerning the fat free diet and the oatmeal are true and while my diet does leave a lot to be desired most of the time I cooperate with my doctors. My adherence to their plan for healthy living usually lasts about twice as long as my New Years resolutions do. Nine months ago I was diagnosed as pre-diabetic and Iíve actually eaten four salads since that time. That upped my lifetime consumptions of salads to five.

Because Iím a Christian I expect to be delivered into the next world by Jesus Christ. I have it on good authority that when I get there Iíll be able to eat or not eat as I choose. Hopefully, without a bunch of TV doctors trying to make me feel guilty. It is my prayer that dental floss doesnít somehow make an appearance on the other side of the Pearly Gate.

In heaven I hope to spend some time galaxy hopping with these wonderful doctors and nurses that managed to keep me duct taped together all of these years. They deserve to be rewarded by seeing a healthy me.

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This article has been read 685 times
Member Comments
Member Date
cindy yarger11/09/06
Just cute - I got chuckles out of this one. Good job.
Trina Courtenay11/09/06
LOL!!! I loved this entry, it's out of what seems to be the 'box' this week. I almost spit the mouth full of coffee I had onto my monitor when I read the reference made to oatmeal. BTW - I love oatmeal but I'll never look at it the same way again. Keep up the great work, thanks for the laugh and for the smile I may just wear all day.

Bless you and your writing.
Andrea Hargrove11/09/06
So true! I'm bad at flossing, too. This entry certainly made me smile.
Dan Louise Mann11/09/06
Having been on the end of those trying to get people to change (but also just as guilty of not following my own advice), I laughed at this entry. Nicely said.
Delores Baber11/10/06
Ah, a kindred spirit. One wonders what this story would have been like if our doctors had written about us. I could surely idenity with your philosophy and if my doctor read your story he would assume I had summitted it. He's finally gotten to me with a "If you don't start taking care of yourself you'll have a stroke and become a burden on your family." Now I'm listening. Good story.
julie wood11/15/06
I loved this story and could totally relate to it, as I also have a taste for salty and sugary things, dislike cooked oatmeal, and abhor dental floss! (I use one of those pointy toothbrushes instead and found out that works just as well.) This really got me laughing!
Carol Sanford11/15/06
Funny! Personally, I have an exercise plan...I still plan on doing it. Loved the reminder about being healthy in heaven.That probably includes perfect teeth so no need for floss! Enjoyed such humorous writing.
Marilee Alvey11/16/06
What a delightful, lighthearted spoof on the profession. I really enjoyed it and can certainly relate. Have you ever seen Maryl Streep and Albert Brooks in the movie, Defending Your Life? It's old now, so it should rent for about fifty cents. It's one of our family's favorites. It has gross errors in theology but the images of Heaven have stuck with me ever since, especially the food ones! Watch this video and you'll feel like you're on the right track!