Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Doctor/Nurse (11/02/06)
TITLE: Impatient patient
By Ed VanDeMark
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I would love to write a nice story about how this doctor or that nurse changed my life but I can’t do that. It has nothing to do with the competence or character of the medical professionals that I’ve crossed paths with…it’s the proverbial me.
When my doctor handed me a fat free diet I glanced at it and handed it back to her. I said, “I’d rather be dead.” My wife was inclined to grant my wish.
When I was told to eat oatmeal to remedy my high cholesterol, I responded by saying that I would eat raisin bran. When she said that raisin bran wouldn’t improve my condition I countered with shredded wheat. She continued to recommend oatmeal, so I agreed to eat Wheatina. This Mexican standoff continued with her insisting on oatmeal. Having just run out of acceptable cereals I said “but oatmeal has the consistency of snot.”
My life long attitude has been put a band-aid on it, sew it up, or give me a pill but don’t suggest a life style change.
Every dentist that I’ve ever met is big on flossing. I’d rather spend two hours a year getting my teeth filled than deal with dental floss 365 times a year.
When I’m asked about my favorite foods I respond with “sugar and salt in that order.” Ice cream, potato chips and a daily vitamin pill constitute a balanced diet. Maple syrup is an antioxidant. Ham is a heart healthy food. High blood pressure just proves that the old ticker is doing a better than average job moving my blood around.
I go to the doctor to confirm that my chest pains are still gastric distress rather than something important. Once it is re-established that it’s only gas I stop by McDonalds to celebrate with a Happy Meal.
My wife has a treadmill and from time to time I sit down and talk with her while she is working out. My bladder gives me all the exercise I need. Every half hour it forces me to get off the couch and take a walk.
Both my family doctor and my dentist are good people. They treat me with dignity and I’m sure that they have my best interest at heart. There are only two possible explanations for why they send me off to so many specialists. The more likely one is that they want me to live forever. The other is that they have run out of clues about how to make that happen.
In reality, I’ve had excellent medical care from many caring doctors, dentists and nurses. While my comments concerning the fat free diet and the oatmeal are true and while my diet does leave a lot to be desired most of the time I cooperate with my doctors. My adherence to their plan for healthy living usually lasts about twice as long as my New Years resolutions do. Nine months ago I was diagnosed as pre-diabetic and I’ve actually eaten four salads since that time. That upped my lifetime consumptions of salads to five.
Because I’m a Christian I expect to be delivered into the next world by Jesus Christ. I have it on good authority that when I get there I’ll be able to eat or not eat as I choose. Hopefully, without a bunch of TV doctors trying to make me feel guilty. It is my prayer that dental floss doesn’t somehow make an appearance on the other side of the Pearly Gate.
In heaven I hope to spend some time galaxy hopping with these wonderful doctors and nurses that managed to keep me duct taped together all of these years. They deserve to be rewarded by seeing a healthy me.
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