The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
This is definitely intriguing. I think your thesis could use more support--perhaps less of the quotations at the beginning, and more elaboration after making your point? It's very much food for thought, and a unique way of looking at the topic.
I agree with Jan, this is a very different twist on the topic. Maybe if you rearranged this, it would make a stronger point.

Good job. You kept my interest.