The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
09/08/06
Interesting. Angels come in all shapes and sizes...and ages. ;)

I caught several grammar and punctuation mistakes that were kind of distracting from your interesting plot.
09/13/06
What I like - You wrote a nice story here. Good ending. You also showed some detail and real emotions.
What I might change - several people mentioned punctuation as in using question marks, and breaking your sentences into two. A few periods here and there and it will really clean it up. The cliche' 'knock some sense in him' is abit overusedand if it were me I might want to try something else there. Try making some contractions in the dialogue too and you will see that the speech flows so much better:)
Keep writing - you really have a talent just need some mechanical work.