Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Melody (08/24/06)
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TITLE: Assorted Carpool | Previous Challenge Entry
By Princess Carroll Ayo Durodola
08/29/06 -
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Five squealing giggling children ran for the 1960 Peugeot car. The back door was opened by an unseen hand and four of the children tumbled in willy nilly. I arrived at the car last, the oldest at 9 years old and opened the front door, sliding into the front seat next to my mother. It must be her turn to carpool today.
“Hi Mother” I said.
“Hi sweetie” she answered. “Oh, Ewen, be a big boy and help Auntie close that back door.”
“It’s Fiona who should close it.” Ewen answered in his strong Scottish accent, “She wanted to sit by the window.”
“I know dear” Mother pacified, “But I need your help.”
Ewen reached over his sister, roughly grabbed the car door handle and slammed it shut.
“Thank you sweetie” Mother pacified.
“I’m being squished” came a whine in a Nigerian accent from little Uche, who was almost crying.
“Spread out everyone” Mother said in that firm no nonsense black American woman’s tone. Everyone was “sweetie” to Mother but she was tough and loving with all her sweeties.
“Is Daddy home?” my sister Rose asked in her British-tinged American accent.
“Not yet sweetie.”
“I can’t wait to get home and play with my toys.” Rose said.
The Peugeot spluttered and grunted as Mother changed gears and we were off, with a lurch, on our way home.
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What I might change - I would try to up my first paragraph to make it grab the reader more. You should space the story double spaced and between the dialogue for ease in reading. The ending needs to tie up the story and I felt that it just stopped when you had more to tell. Keep working at it!!:)
I have read a few things you have written and what I see are terrific snapshots, but not the whole photo album. I want the beginning, middle and your bang-up ending! From one new writer to another. God bless and keep writing.