The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
08/25/06
This is in many ways a lovely, lovely poem. I'd urge you to edit it a bit. For example, don't be afraid of "near rhymes" if they allow you to avoid awkward phrasings. An example:

And in my mind a picture forms
Of Calvary’s hilltop ripe with storm.


That's perfectly acceptable, and the flow is vastly improved.

I really, really like this poem, and would love to work with you on editing it. PM or e-mail me if you're interested.
I've added this to my favorites. I sure hope it places - this is an awesome poem.