The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
I liked your story but I would have liked some more detail - especially in the last couple of paragraphs. I was left wanting more.
I think if you tighten up some of the wording you would be able to get in more detail in addition you could have gone to the max word count.
You have some punctuation errors that are easy to fix if you haven't noticed them already.
This would make a great story reworked - I hope it is true!
08/21/06
Good writing - you just need to rework some things. I read somewhere to never open a story with the weather-to make more of an impact, try taking a line further down in the story and starting there then add it in. Also the ending summed up too fast. You could have ended it with him asking what a missionary did and let us assume as a reader that the missionary witnessed to him after they went for coffee or something. You write well- it is just this story needs a bit more to be really great!:)
08/23/06
You've got some good stuff going here. You have a gentle feel with story. A sense of understanding for the older generation and their dealing with the worth of their lives. The others have left some good ideas. Keep up the good work.