Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Chillax (04/03/14)
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TITLE: A Calm Leader | Previous Challenge Entry
By Robert Douglas Brown
04/10/14 -
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Seaman Steven Blake had just completed one year of service in the United States Coast Guard.Blake recently joined the crew of an 87-foot patrol boat that monitored a grid of San Francisco Bay known for illegal activities such as drug running. He had joined the crew of Chief Petty Officer, Jack Marshall, a very devout Christian and one of the bravest sailors in the Coast Guard.
It was the second patrol for Seaman Blake. Before departing for each patrol, Marshall prayed over his crew. “There have been reports of illegal activity in the area men. Let’s bow our heads for prayer.
Dear Lord, keep my crew calm, relaxed, alert, and out of harm’s way during tonight’s patrol.” prayed Marshall.
It was a clear October night with a full-moon that cast eerie figures that appeared to be dancing across the bay with each wave.
Chief Petty Officer Marshall was as close as you could get for a real-life Superman. He commanded a deep level of respect by all in his presence. Each crew member knew he had their back.
He was considered one of the best patrol leaders in the Coast Guard. The crew was making its nightly patrol of the southeastern corridor of San Francisco Bay, when a suspicious vessel was sighted.
“Seaman Blake, keep your eyes focused on the suspicious boat around 2:00 o’clock position,” spoke Marshall.
“Seaman Blake, Petty Officer Jeldyn, man the 50 caliber machine gun,” barked out Chief Marshall.
All of the nine crew members on the boat had been hand picked by Marshall, and taught how to remain alert while remaining calm and relaxed.
“Lock and load boys, and let's get ready for some action,” chuckled Jeldyn in his usual light-hearted way.
Marshall flashed a look of concern towards Jeldyn and the rest of his crew; Marshall meant business.
The driver and crew of the suspicious boat realized they were being pursued by the US Coast Guard vessel. The boat made an abrupt left turn, and tried to run for the open waters of the Pacific Ocean.
“Turn this boat around now, we need to cut them off before they reach open waters. My guess is that they are running marijuana, and probably a considerable amount.” commanded Marshall.
The icy cold waters of the bay were very choppy that made the boat ride feel like being at the rodeo while riding the meanest and wildest bronco in the stable. The crew member driving, turned the boat around on a dime, and started to close the distance between the boats.
The youngest crew members suddenly had a wave of fear come over them, in that it was the first time they had been in a life threatening situation. However, they knew they were in good hands.
“Mr. Jeldyn, I want you to fire off a dozen rounds in intervals of 3 over their bow on my command.” Spoke Marshall. The Coast Guard patrol boat was a surprisingly fast boat that could keep up with smaller boats running drugs in the bay.
Chief Marshall told his crew that the Lord was watching over them, and that they needed to trust him and remain calm, relaxed, but most importantly, fully alert. Marshall broadcasted through the PA system on the boat and began to speak in a powerful voice that demanded the attention of anyone within hearing distance.
“This is the US Coast Guard, you must stop your boat immediately and place your hands above your head.” ordered Marshall.
He then gave Jeldyn the order to ready the 50 caliber machine gun, and fire four blasts of three round intervals over the bow of the speeding boat. The boat quickly slowed down and turned to face the USCG boat.
The patrol boat cautiously pulled close to the smaller boat while shining its powerful beam that revealed four men with their hands over their head. A fifth man appeared and started throwing bales of Marijuana overboard. Marshall fired his 45 caliber hand-gun over the head of the fifth man. The man raised his hands over his head and did as told by Marshall.
The crew captured 300 pounds of marijuana and turned the five drug runners over to DEA officials. Once the dust settled, Chief Marshall pulled his crew together and thanked the Lord that none was harmed. “Through your ability to remain calm, relaxed, and diligent, a very dangerous situation turned out peaceful with the Lord in charge.” praised Chief Marshall.
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Nicely done...it was well written and I was pulled in from beginning to end.
God bless~
I noticed a couple things that might help make this greater. You don't have to tag each piece of dialogue with the speaker's name. Be creative in how you indicate who is speaking. You used Marshal's name a lot. You could call him, "their seasoned leader" or any number of things and we would still know it was Marshal speaking.
Also, try to begin your piece with the action or the conflict. That grabs the reader right away. Perhaps you could begin with sighting the drug runners and the crew's fears. The back story and pertinent info can be filled in later as the story is unfolding.
I hope that helps. It is so exciting to see how all of us are growing as writers, and as Christians! I believe God has a special niche in mind for your writing. Keep up the great work.
Your major point of trusting in Jesus for peace and calmness in serious situations is well taken.
Nice use of the theme word.
God bless~