Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Day's End (01/01/14)
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TITLE: Begin with the end in mind | Previous Challenge Entry
By Phillip Cimei
01/08/14 -
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Most people get chills running up their spine when they see a hearse, others show respect and bow their head. This mother scoffed at death and gave no thought to the end of life let alone the end of this day. She was just trying to survive. This way to start a day was crude and to some macabre, but if you really think about it, we all should start our day with the end in mind. What will I be doing at the end of this day; what will I have accomplished at the end of this day. Paul said, “ I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith.” II Tim 4:7 If we begin ever day with our sights set, our goals in place and the end in mind, we will run this race of life with each day's end bringing joy and contentment. At the end of the day, we should do as David did, “...commune with our own heart upon our bed and be still.” Psalms 4:4 Paul reminds us that our whole faith is based upon the promise of a day at the end of this journey that will bring eternal joy, peace and happiness because Jesus died and was raised again from the dead. At the end of our day, can we lay our head on our pillow and commune with our heart and say we have done all that was asked of us, praise the name of the Lord, and have a restful sleep.
The next time you see an old black hearse, smile and be reminded that we are all just sojourners traveling this life day by day looking for that final sunset that will bring us to a place that a loving and caring Savior prepared for us. And, if you see someone driving their children to school in one, take time to visit with the parents about a better place, a better life; share with them the hope you have that can guide them every day and at the end of that day, put a smile on their faces.
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Be careful of POV shifts. The MC is the principal so the reader can only know what he sees, thinks, or hears. You switched the POV when you went into the kid's thoughts like being glad to be anywhere that is not infested.(though you did qualify it with the words: had a smile that said) Even describing the lice is a shift unless the MC sees the lice. This could be fixed with just a little tweaking. For example: As the children bounded out of the hearse with smiles plastered on their dirt-smudged faces, the principal winced at the memory from last week. The school nurse had discovered many generations of lice living in the matted, dirty hair.
The little girl said, "Bugs must like us because we have tons of coackroaches and the bed bugs have been biting too." She pulled up her shirt to show the bites covering her belly. Shaking the memory from his head, the principal silently gave thanks that the school offered a reprieve for the kids.
I know that's kind of long and not necessarily your voice nor perfect, but I wanted to give you an example of what I meant.
You really have done an outstanding job tackling this subject. You started off with a wonderful pull. As a mother, my heart ached for the kids and I wanted to reach through the page and offer comfort. Your Bible verses tied in perfectly with your profound message. This will stick in my mind for sure and that is a good thing. With just a little tweaking (perhaps several smaller paragraphs) I could easily see this in a devotion book or magazine. Great job.
God bless~
The devotional section is fine, and my only suggestion would be to break it down into smaller chunks--easier for your reader to digest.
I loved that you returned to the imagery of the hearse at your conclusion--very effective writing.
In the end, we are responsible for our end.
One sentence in the first paragraph I felt might have worked just a tad better if it was divided into two sentences.
You definitely have a knack for writing. Keep at it!
I thought some of the sentences were lengthy and could have been split into two or three. Also, I was wondering how the principle knew the kids had lice. Perhaps he could have watched as they scratched their Raggedy-Ann hair, indicating lice.
Nice work.
You touched me deeply with this fine piece. Blessings...
I thought this was a great devotional and it made a valid, powerful point.
My three main comments are:
1. I know from a previous post you are keen for constructive critisicm. Make sure when throwing a brick you make the comment that 'red ink is requested', or you may only see bouquets.
2. Personally I like to see shorter paragraphs and more white space. I am learning that writing is a visual art and must please the eyes if people are to read on.
3. Again personally, I would like to have seen one more Scripture quoted where "Paul reminds us that our whole faith is..." Or, if 2Tim is still the reference then that comment needed to remain in context and David raised after that comment was complete.
I'm only sharing my thoughts and in no way are they 'right', just my thoughts.
Other than points two and three above, this entire devotional flowed really well and will touch many hearts.
Blessings, Graham.