Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Wolf in Sheep's Clothing (11/21/13)
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TITLE: Self Made Wolf Man | Previous Challenge Entry
By Melissa Lindsey
11/28/13 -
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"Not bad", Rob thought to himself as he turned his gaze toward the front of his large executive home which was built on one of the best golf courses in the state of Florida. Marble tile covered the floors and warmth and beauty was provided by one of Rob's prized possessions…a large custom crafted sheep's wool area rug, which was perfectly placed in the middle of the grand sitting area.
Everything in his home was immaculate, awaiting the arrival of the Forbes reporter.
Rob glanced at his watch. It was 4:45 pm. The reporter was due to arrive at exactly 5:30. The time for the interview had been strategically planned, as was everything in his orderly life. It would allow time for the crew to set up cameras to capture the sunset which would occur at 6:30 directly over the eighth hole behind his home.
Walking into the expansive room which served as his home office, Rob walked over to the bar and poured himself a drink and then sank into his plush leather desk chair. He leaned back, propped his feet on his dark cherry wood desk and relaxed as he took the first sip of the strong drink.
Only a handful of men in the country could claim the success that he had, and at only twenty-eight years old he was practically a prodigy. If he were to be completely honest with himself, it had cost him a bit, but business was business. He had recently needed to be dishonest with a buyer again in order to secure a large sale, but things like this occurred in big business from time to time. It used to bother him a great deal, but as one of the country's top executives he had a responsibility to live with whatever it took to make the sale.
Thinking back for a moment, Rob remembered the days before his worldly success. He had met Christine in his senior year of college. She was absolutely the sweetest, most beautiful girl that he had ever laid eyes on. Christine attended church near the campus and he reluctantly agreed to attend a service with her for the hanging of the green ceremony at Christmas. His motive had simply been to be near her. He had never planned that God would meet him there. Rob turned his life over to Christ only three months after his first date with Christine and they regularly attended church. Life was well on the way to perfection. Rob and Christine were due to graduate and Rob had planned to propose marriage as soon as he had a good job. Then, the world won him over…
… but how was he supposed to turn down a job with a fortune 500 company? How was he supposed to say no to more money than he had ever dreamed of? How was he supposed to always tell the truth when it could cost him millions of dollars?
Christine had never understood the life that he chose. This was by far his biggest regret.
The doorbell chimed bringing his focus back to the present.
Rob took the time to finish his drink, knowing that his staff would assist the reporter and crew in setting up equipment in the grand sitting room as he had previously instructed. When a sufficient amount of time had passed, Rob arose from his chair and strode down the hallway to make his grand entrance.
Upon entry into the sitting room, Rob almost fainted. The reporter was none other than Christine! His Christine! Oddly, she seemed to be asking her photographer to take pictures of his floor. "Hello Christine. Might I ask what you are doing", Rob said arrogantly. "Hello Rob", Christine responded with a slight smile. "Forgive me, but I just wanted a picture of your sheep's wool rug for myself. It is very original, and I believe that I understand your choice. After all, I don't believe rugs this large come in wolf skin."
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I do have some minor suggestions that would make this great piece a stupendous one. In this line: "Not bad", Rob thought to himself as he turned his gaze toward the front of his large executive home which was built on one of the best golf courses in the state of Florida.
You may want to consider putting thoughts in italics. You don't need thought to himself as that is redundant.
Something like this might pack a tiny bit more of a punch:
Not bad, no, actually I'm beyond fine. Pulling himself away from the fine reflection in the mirror, Rob strutted to the picture window that overlooked the fanciest golf course in Florida.
It's not perfect but I wanted to show how putting the thoughts in italics identifies the character's egotistical nature, and words liked pulled and strutted paint a picture of the emotional state of the MC.
Now you did do a great job of describing him, but by tweaking it just a bit can make a big difference.
You did a fine job of writing on topic, so well actually, that you didn't need the ending line with wolf and sheep in it. You showed me by painting a vivid word picture of just what the adage means. It was fantastic. I know sometimes I worry that readers won't see the topic. Believe in yourself because you did nail it. Plus you covered it in a way I haven't read yet this week. Granted I've only read about half, but yours stands out as far as having an original take while still delivering an important message.
If you haven't already checked out Jan's Writing Basics on the message boards, I'd urge you to participate. It is an invaluable source for writers of all levels. Jan is great about personally responding to everyone who leaves a post.
Again, I want to stress I think you did a final exam job. Keep reading and writing and you will keep improving. God bless.
Again great job.
God bless~
God bless~