Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Weary (05/03/12)
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TITLE: come to me | Previous Challenge Entry
By matt renkema
05/09/12 -
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"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laiden and I will give you rest, Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. Fir my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (NASB Version)
"The latest local headlines, yet another day of heavy rain, sleet, and snow, now back to the local traffic John."
A piece of dried burnt toast almost went into the garbage, when Will saw his dog wagging his tail, so he thought, "I'll let the dog have it." "So much for breakfast", he said, midway to work, he realized he forgot to lock up, so he kept on driving. In one moment, all things would change for Will, his cell phone began to ring, it was his neigbor, giving him the latest on the facts about two thugs who had ransacked his house. Will turned away in total frustration, but that was a moment to long,
The sound of tires dying on pavement and metal burning, with glass cutting the faces of the victims involved, as the cars erupted into flames, fortunately Will survived and only neede physical thearapy. The other driver did not recover, which in turn caused the family to sue Will for everything he had. it was either that or jail, but this family wanted him to go down financially.
When Will came home after all being in the hospital he found the place trashed with spray paint on the walls and every thing of any value had been taken, medical bills piled 3 inches thick, with no way to pay off the debt, and so he went before God.
Before Will went to sleep on the cold hard floor he prayed: "Dear Lord, would you find it in your heart to not only have mercy on me but the man who died by my hand. Alone and no one but you knows to the depths of how I feel about what has just occured. They want to take everything I own, even when I have nothing to give. Lord, I don't want to be on the streets I feel so tired, weary, and burdened please take care of me, wrap me in your arms of Love and console me, no matter what happens I know you will always be there. They may take everything but you have given me peace, and yes be with them as well as they grieve the loss of their son it is in your name I pray Amen."
As he hobbled up the court house steps he wonderd if he had prayed enough and hoped that blessings would be shown not only to him but to the other family, and to his astonishment the family forgave him, dropped the charges and even gave him a hug. Then Will remembered he had inharitence money from his grandmother and decided to help with funeral costs instead of geting himself a new house, that's when they offered for him to stay at their place.
moral: when you feel weary bring forth your cares to him and he will always bring you under the shadow of his wing and protect you and make sure you are taken care of.
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There are also some things you can to tweak to make it an even better story. First, find someone to ptoof it for you and to help you catch the run-on sentence in the beginning and typos like inharitance instead of inheritance and putting punctuation inside the quotation marks. Check the message boards for a challenge buddy or a critique group, (we all make mistakes but a good proofer will spot them for you:)
The transitions from one part of the story can be smoothed out by doing some more showing and less telling. Don't be afraid to use all 750 words. For example -- something like this will paint a picture for the reader. Will examined the doctor's face, the furrowed eyebrows confirmed his suspicion that the other driver didn't make it. Rushing to the bathroom while gripping his stomach, Will heaved the remains of burnt toast and juice. Later when the lawyer informed him the family sued him, his stomach lurched again.
That is just a quick example to show you what I mean by painting a picture. Using the active verbs instead of passive ones like was helps the reader visualize the story, then I used the vomiting as a way to transition to the next part of the story.
You did a great job on writing on topic while keeping it fresh and original. Something like that would tear a person down and even the simple tasks would be overwhelming. I like how you tied your story into a Bible verse. My favorite part was the prayer. I could feel the pain and longing for comfort jump off the page.
I also love it when writers show how to pray. So many people aren't quite sure how to do that and by writing the words down, I have no doubt yo0u will inspire others to pray like that. That's one of the coolest things about writing, you never know how many people you will touch with your words. Keep writing and don't get discouraged, only you can write the stories that God lays on your heart.
So many emotions in this entry. The pain, the anguish, the sorrow, the anger...then forgiveness. Amen!
The power of Jesus, our King of Kings! I loved the entire piece, and could see this in an inspirational magazine.
Great job. Thank you so much.
God Bless,
Camille~