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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: This Side of Paradise (not about the book) (07/14/11)
Fancy's dream:

Fancy and her best friend just left the schoolhouse, and Fancy is saying, I am so tired of being disappointed. Ya know what I mean? Sue says, yes I guess I do. Ya try and try and try and never seem to be good enough. Why keep trying then, at least to please them and do something to please yourself.

Got any suggestions? Sue stops and looks off into the distance and slowly says, I just might. You like to sing, why don't you make an album and have fun while your doing it.

I don't know. That sounds like more money then I have to spend. I like the idea if it weren'
t for that hitch.

Think about it, and pray about it also. God makes ways when we can't.

Yah only if it is in His will.

He gave you this gift. Why when I hear you sing it sounds something I'd hear in Heaven, even though we are this side of Paradise.

One week later:
Fancy and Sue are together again and Sue asks, Well have you decided?

I've done better than that I have booked some dates already where I'll be singing. At least it's a start. It's not the record deal yet but watch out cause here I come. Thank you Sue, I couldn't have done it without God and you. I have been dreaming for something like this to happen for sometime now, I was afraid of being disappointed again. But you know I think this is going to work out.

A beautiful song drifts behind the girls as they walk away.
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This article has been read 608 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Juliette Chamberlain-Bond
07/23/11
Fancy is very blessed to have a friend like Sue to encourage her. Dialogue flows smoothly as does the storyline. I was thrilled to read that Fancy has booked a performance.
It looks like the start of something good!

You seem to have a few formatting issues where the lines have moved.

I would also like to have seen a stronger tie to the writing challenge title,
'This side of Paradise.'
Kathleen Langridge
07/23/11
Encouraging story but as mentioned formatting distracted, including the lack of quotation marks, in the dialogue. Keep up the writing, you are on your way.
Lillian Rhoades 
07/25/11
I love your thought about using the gifts God has given to us while we're here on earth. It's an appropriate message for Faithwriters.:-)

A few suggestions: 1) Watch out for the "to be" verbs (is, was, am, etc).
For example: Instead of writing, "Fancy and her friend just left the schoolhouse, and Fancy is saying, I am so tired of being disappointed", consider this:
Fancy and her friend had just left the schoolhouse when Fancy says, "I am so tired of being disappointed."

2)Colloquial, everyday speech does not always present well when written. For example:

"You" rather than "Ya" or "Yah", "Have any" rather than "Got any", "because" rather than "cause".

3)Keep a closer eye on grammar and sentence structure. I found a few commas missing in action.:-)
For example:

"I've done better than that, (or you could also use a period here.)I have booked some dates already where I'll be singing."

"It's not the record deal,but watch out because here I come."

Your story reminds us all that once we put into practice the gifts God gives to us, there's no measure to the blessings that follow. Keep writing and don't forget to read stories from other levels. The more we read, the more we learn, always:-)

A little commercial. If you have access to the Forum, check out Jan's Basic Writing thread. It's a gold mine of information and how-to's.