Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Empty and Full (06/04/09)
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TITLE: The Long Wait | Previous Challenge Entry
By Laura Manley
06/10/09 -
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She had waited for this moment a very long time. All those empty moments of the last eighteen years would soon surface and she would have answers to all her questions. Madeline sat up straighter in the chair attempting to get comfortable, but she knew that until this day was over, she would remain uncomfortable whether in a chair or sitting on the freshly mowed lawn.
Out of the corner of her eye, Madeline saw the man who had answered the front door come from a doorway just past the fireplace. He was headed toward where Madeline was sitting. She hoped this meant her wait was over. He stopped directly in front of Madeline. He stood with extremely good posture and said to her, "Madam will be down shortly. Is there anything I can get for you? Would you like a cup of coffee, tea or perhaps a soda?
Madeline was pleased to see some life in this huge house. It had been a while since he had seated her in the foyer.
"No, thank you, Mr. Pettibone. I'm just fine!"
"Very well," he said as he turned and followed the path back to the door from which he came.
Just as she took her eyes off Mr. Pettibone, she sensed movement from the top of the staircase. Almost fearfully, she allowed her eyes to look toward that movement. They fixed upon the most statuesque, elegant and beautiful woman she had ever seen. As this woman began her descent, their eyes locked and it was then that Madeline knew her life would never be the same. She was now complete; her life would be full. She had found her birth mother!
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There were a lot of entries this week, and the competition is always intense in Level 1, so you deserve a pat on the back. :-)
If you'd like to check the highest rankings for yourself, you can find them here:
http://www.faithwriters.com/Boards/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=25956
The highest rankings are posted every Thursday evening on the Message Boards.
Hope to see you at the FaithWriters' Conference in August. It’s going to be an amazing time of inspiration, information and encouragement. (If I’ve already mentioned that to you, forgive me. We’re just so excited about letting members know about this great gathering.)
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With love, Deb (Challenge Coordinator)
A couple suggestions for writing for the Challenge: It's much easier to read entries when they are visually more spaced out - see some of the Master level entries for the preferred spacing. A large block of writing looks slightly intimidating, even if it is not a very long paragraph. :)
Secondly, you have 750 words to work with. I didn't count your words, but it just seemed like you could have written a bit more. If you're writing prose, it's definitely okay to stretch it up to that limit, unless you really say all that you want to say in less.
Finally, as far as the piece itself goes, I would suggest weaving your theme into the story in a much more obvious manner. Personally, as the reader, I didn't gather that her life was not full, or even that it felt empty, without her birth mother. Some well-placed flashbacks to an empty life would give that hint to the reader, or reflective thoughts. That builds the anticipation that something is about to change.
You write very well! Jump over to the boards and learn how to put links to your entry, and when the next topic rolls around, join the hinting and hunting so that more people will read your entries and you receive the feedback you need.