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“Ahh! That is so much better. Peace. Walking usually helps me think more clearly. It’s such a nice cool day.” I thought, as I began to walk, not knowing to where, just needing to get away from him. My husband, Dan, and I had another fight. This time I aggravated him so much he threw a cup across the room. Was he aiming for me? I am not sure, but he missed. Our fights never got physical, just verbal. It was not easy living with Dan these days. But, one day, when I just walked out to go for a walk and think, a profound thing happened.
Birds were singing in the trees and children played happily in their yards. Life was going on all around me. It sounds crazy but, I closed my eyes while I was walking, and just prayed the simple prayer of many a wounded and struggling soul. “Help me, Lord.” was all I could say. My heart was so heavy I could feel it pounding with each step I took. My breaths came in heaving sighs as I struggled to keep back the tears. What did I want? Could I stay in this marriage if this pain continued? Would he ever change? Could I have a second chance to do a better job finding a life partner? So may questions flooded my mind until the tears finally broke through my self control. I let them fall.
Then suddenly the wind picked up speed, getting my attention, as if God himself was drying my tears. My feet stopped as I wiped away the trails on my face. Where was I ? I looked around. The neighborhood felt strangely familiar and homey, though I had never been there. I was enveloped in a warm embrace that squeezed out the fear and worry and replaced it with hope. The release was so profound I had to smile and laugh out loud.
“What are you showing me, Lord?” I prayed and began to walk down the sidewalk. At first I thought perhaps I knew someone there and that explained it. But as I strolled along, and glanced at houses and cars, I knew that this was all new to me. Then I saw some apartments and townhouses and I stopped. “Hmm, I wonder...I feel pulled here, Lord. Why? I choose to accept whatever happens from now on as your will. I commit my heart to you and leave Dan in your hands. He has denied knowing you again. By the fruit of his life it’s hard to say. Actually, easier to say he does not know you. His pornography addiction and rejection of me have left me broken, but you can fix me. Free him or free me. That’s my desire. I will serve you either way.” I said this prayer of surrender, then I returned home.
God brought me through that time in my life, one step at a time. I didn’t always follow God’s lead but, in the end He still got me to the place He wanted me. I’ve been broken at His feet many times and always after I’ve spent the tears and rested with Him, He says, “Rise up, my child, and walk. Your sins are forgiven.” That is the blessed grace and hope that keeps me walking from day to day. He is a loving God.
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