The Official Writing Challenge
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Very imaginative! You are gifted with the ability to develop images from words. If you break this story down into paragraphs it will flow more nicely. Keep writing!
You've created some great images here by using flashbacks of memory. Breaking up the text into paragraphs will bring these out and make them more powerful, I think. Keep writing.
Wow! This was awesome! I agree that you should add some "white space." Also "the floor on which I stood" sounds a little strange. I know, you don't want to end the sentence with a preposition. Other than those picky little things, this was great! Awesome imagery and powerful point! Well done.
My first reaction was "Oh No, I can't delve into that long, long paragraph that looks like it goes on forever! My eyes are already so tired." So, as you can see, spacing between paragraphs is vital if you want to be 'Reader friendly' - and what Writer doesn't want Readers to feel comfortable reading their material? After reading the first sentence, I knew it would be exciting - but I'd been reading all I will return and finish it later...with a comment or two. Thank you.
What a marvellous account of the battle for our soul. I really enjoyed this. My suggestion is to break this into paragraphs and use some white space. Keep writing.