The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
06/22/06
You told a very good story.:) It would help the reader if you double spaced between paragraphs and the dialogue.
I did notice that when you said 'twisting her thumbs anxiously' you could leave off the anxiously as the 'twisting her thumbs' already showed how she was feeling.(very nicely) Your dialogue was real except perhaps you also might want to work on a stronger ending as it tied up too quickly...but overall, I think you wrote this well and with just some minor editing it will be even better!!:) Keep writing!!
Very moving piece. I agree with the comment above. Double spacing is very helpful, it makes the story flow easier.

I also think a more developed ending would tie things together a bit more effectively.

I do appreciate your topic choice. As a teacher I see many students with similar problems as your daughter.

Keep writing, you did very well.
06/30/06
Hi Naomi! I'm glad to see your entry for Life. Great slice of life story! It reminds me of when I was a teenager. Really nice life lesson. Hope to see more of your entries when we get back from the break!