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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Abundance (06/08/06)

TITLE: Ashley's Revenge
By Kimberly Mitchell


Eleven year old Ashley hurried down the sidewalk when her eyes quickly recognized a small object in her path, sidestepping it she stumbled face first to the ground. Gathering her composure, she heard a sarcastic voice behind her. “Ash, what happened?” “No, don’t tell me, let me guess, you were trying to spin on your head like a top, right?” Ashley turned around to see her brother, Robert, towering over her. His blue eyes were dancing in delight to find her in a heap on the ground. “Hush up Robert,” she said irritably while picking herself up off the ground. Robert snickered and people walking past curiously stared at her. Blushing with utter embarrassment she realized how silly she must look. “Robert,” she whispered, trying to remain calm and collective “I thought that you had soccer practice.” “Coach canceled it at the last minute,” replied Robert.
Ashley remembered the small object, a ladybug stuck to a piece of chewing gum struggling to stay alive. “I wonder how long it’s been there,” she said tenderly as she reached down and gently lifted it up . Robert quipped “Only you would risk your life for a dumb bug.” Ashley ignored his remarks.
She had started the Rescue Lady bug club a month ago and surprisingly had accumulated a few members. That evening the R.L.B.C. held a meeting at Ashley’s home. Pow! Ashley wacked the desk with the wooden mallet. “The meeting will now come to order,” she yelled above the annoying chattering. Finally there was silence. “We will now say our Lady Bug pledge.” “All ladybugs need a hug, not a one should be treated as a slug. Every lady bug needs a home, not a one should be left alone. I will be the one to take a stand, I will gladly give a hand.”
After the meeting was adjourned, Ashley rushed upstairs to her room to feed her pet ladybug, Checkers, only to found the little bug had died sometime that afternoon.
Sadly, she took Checker’s remains to the little backyard mound where the club members buried their ladybugs. Upon arriving Ashley froze in her tracks in astonishment Lady Bug Rest had been completely destroyed. Robert had practiced kicking his soccer ball on the mound. “Robert! I’ll get even with you,” screamed Ashley. That night a light flickered on in her mind. The shoes… she would hide Robert’s soccer shoes, then he would be forced to wear their older brother’s shoes which were way too big for him. She plotted her plan out then rolled over and fell asleep.
The nest morning Ashley found a pale and worried looking Robert caring his brothers shoes out the door. For a moment Ashley felt a stab of guilt, but then shrugged it off. Robert was getting what he deserved. Her plan worked just as she hoped. In a crucial point of the game, Robert gave the ball a kick and off went his shoe flying in the air. All the crowd was roaring in laughter and Ashley was experiencing her sweet revenge.
That night Ashley tried to do her daily Bible reading but could find no peace of mind. The first words she saw when she open her Bible were in Psalms 72:7 “abundance of peace” but there was no peace for Ashley. The words abundance of peace cycled through her mind. Then she heard a knock on the door. “Come in,” she whispered. Robert peered in though the crack. “Ash, I didn’t mean to trample your mound It was so late I couldn’t see clearly. I should have practiced my soccer kicks earlier, I’m sorry.” Ashley was shocked and speechless, so Robert hadn’t trotted her mound down on purpose. Ashley knew what she must do if she expected to gain the abundance of peace she so strongly desired, “Robert, I..hid..your shoes today.” There it was out, she knew he would hate her forever now, but she felt her guilt depart and replaced by the sweet peace of God, that overflowed inside of her, it was truly abundant peace. Robert was stunned at first then a flicker of anger showed in his eyes, but quickly disappeared and was replaced with admiration. “I can’t believe you had the courage to confess to me, Ash, whatever made you tell me?” Ashley smiled, and pointed toward her open Bible to Psalms 72:7 KJV. “In his days shall the righteous flourish; and abundance of peace so long as the moon endureth.”

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This article has been read 701 times
Member Comments
Member Date
dub W06/15/06
Let's start with some basics and go from there.
First, all dialogue gets its own paragraph. Each character speaks within their own paragraph. Secondly, paragraphing becomes natural when writing dialogue.
Second, try writing dialog without so many speech tags (he said, etc.). We can start here.
You have a good story, just needs some tweeking. Something to note, make sure you say what you intend - look at the first sentence, is the reason she is running really because of the object on the sidewalk?
I look forward to watching your writing skills progress.
Jan Ross06/21/06
I definitely enjoyed the story ~ good lessons learned from the Word. I love the way the Word made the difference in a potentially difficult relationship. I also agree that your format could have gone a long way to improving the readability. Check your rules for sentence structure and using quotes and dialogue. It would have naturally spaced out the article and improved its readability. Aside from that, however, you have a great start to a goo dstory. I hope you keep submitting challenge engries because with some work you'll soon find yourself placing. God bless! :)
terri tiffany06/21/06
I think the other two commenters hit on all the structural basics that will improve your storytelling immensely. As to the content, you told a good story from start to finish. It summed up nicely and did keep my interest despite the lay out. I think you will be a very good writer and I bet it will show up even more so on your next one!! Keep writing!! Oh, one more thing, go back and circle all your adverbs and and see if you can use a better verb or 'show' the action better without it. I try to read mine over before submitting and cut them out and rewrite it differently. Good habit to do:)
Trina Courtenay06/21/06
This story, structure aside, was well told. It flows nicely but...listen to Dub, he really knows what he's talking about. If you make the changes, I know you'd place.

Keep Writing!

I look forward to finding out who you are and I will write your name down and look for your next entry July 13th.
Trina Courtenay06/21/06
I forgot to tell you that your butterfly pledge was great!

Dr. Sharon Schuetz06/22/06
I'm not going to add anything else to what's already been said. I will say, however, that you are a good story teller, and your story flowed very nicely. With the suggestions that have been made this will be incredible.