The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Let's start with some basics and go from there.
First, all dialogue gets its own paragraph. Each character speaks within their own paragraph. Secondly, paragraphing becomes natural when writing dialogue.
Second, try writing dialog without so many speech tags (he said, etc.). We can start here.
You have a good story, just needs some tweeking. Something to note, make sure you say what you intend - look at the first sentence, is the reason she is running really because of the object on the sidewalk?
I look forward to watching your writing skills progress.
I definitely enjoyed the story ~ good lessons learned from the Word. I love the way the Word made the difference in a potentially difficult relationship. I also agree that your format could have gone a long way to improving the readability. Check your rules for sentence structure and using quotes and dialogue. It would have naturally spaced out the article and improved its readability. Aside from that, however, you have a great start to a goo dstory. I hope you keep submitting challenge engries because with some work you'll soon find yourself placing. God bless! :)
I think the other two commenters hit on all the structural basics that will improve your storytelling immensely. As to the content, you told a good story from start to finish. It summed up nicely and did keep my interest despite the lay out. I think you will be a very good writer and I bet it will show up even more so on your next one!! Keep writing!! Oh, one more thing, go back and circle all your adverbs and and see if you can use a better verb or 'show' the action better without it. I try to read mine over before submitting and cut them out and rewrite it differently. Good habit to do:)
This story, structure aside, was well told. It flows nicely but...listen to Dub, he really knows what he's talking about. If you make the changes, I know you'd place.

Keep Writing!

I look forward to finding out who you are and I will write your name down and look for your next entry July 13th.
I forgot to tell you that your butterfly pledge was great!

I'm not going to add anything else to what's already been said. I will say, however, that you are a good story teller, and your story flowed very nicely. With the suggestions that have been made this will be incredible.