Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Personal Peace (06/01/06)
TITLE: Pursuing The Path To Peace
By Kimberly Jones
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A few months ago before going back on my anti-depressant medication I lost it. I was at a job with a boss that would rather coddle kids then make them behave because they lived in the ghetto. And he hated me because I chose not to allow them to live in a “poor pitiful me mentality.” Also at home my husband and step-son had decided to walk away from church which meant that I had to fight the battle for our homes salvation on my own. I was stretched to my limit.
I felt if they did not want to serve God why should I stay. Not realizing that my feelings of inadequacy were based on something deeper. The friends that I left my kids with had other plans than to let me walk away form everything (which is ironic, they are not together anymore which to me is great because they were in a lesbian relationship which I had been praying for). I was sitting in their house, expressing my feeling to Shi and mentioned in the midst of our conversation “I just wanted peace in my home.” She in turn said to me “If you want peace the only person that can create that is you.”
Something hit me; I had some baggage that I needed to deal with. This was stuff I stuffed away thinking that it would never have to be dealt with. Three years ago I was raped while extending an act of kindness, ended up pregnant and to top it off my parents did not believe me. What I was feeling was being raped all over again. My husband could say what he wanted and I was suppose to accept it, my step-son was saying whatever he wanted and nothing was being done about it.
Pursuing my path to peace began when I realized that I had to deal with my issues, all of them. My cousin molesting me (not being believed then either), my parents mess, having an abortion, and being a mother of 3 children. Something had to change.
I began counseling and realized that I had been silenced in my own home because of my past and my beliefs. I had to take back what the enemy had stolen from me which was my desire, will and strength to live. I had to make a choice not to let what I had been through to destroy me, or make me think that I was trash. When I was raped the first time I shut down and withdrew so that I would not draw attention to myself. The second time I checked out and refused to let anyone hurt me ever again. That is when I lost my peace. When life comes at us full force we have to keep living, speaking and letting who we are overpower the hurt. We have to remember who we are, as well as whose we are.
God is there with us when we are going through trials and tribulations. We are not alone which is what I believed. It was not until I tuned back into my life source “My Heavenly Father” that I found my peace. I was depending on people around me and not the one and only to provide what I needed. It was not until I took back my life through counseling and medication was I not going to care what other people did or did not do. I was trying to take on everything. When the only person I needed to worry about was me. When I did that peace returned. I no longer fought with my step-son, or cared what my husband had to say when he was angry. I started committing everything to prayer and let God have the driver’s seat. I was no longer in control and I was glad that I let go of the reigns.
Peace comes when we allow God to be in control. This life is not ours and until we embrace that fact we will always be miserable. When we let God fix us, and make us whole then we have peace, peace escapes us when we worry about everyone and everything else. God gave us one thing to take care of when we are of an age of accountability our self. Stop trying to live life for everyone or everything else and live for God. This challenge is not great, its just the truth.
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