In the face of a very busy week, I am now looking ahead to the lonely days.
I have wept over your letters – my heart is so full of all your love and compassion and your love for Mike. I am so proud of him, and have been so proud to be married to him. I just cannot fathom that life could be any better. In my small way of thinking, there is no way God can top this.
However, I AM optimistic about the future because I know that God has laid a path for me. MY life is far richer having spent the best 13 years of it with a man of God as Mike was. And although I know it will never be the same, it can be good again. And there will be NEW things!
Through the anguish, I have asked the Lord to help me in this process. To help me grieve in a healthy manner, and to allow my girls to see me work through it, too.
I have no idea what to expect from them in all this. They seem to be at peace, and we talk matter-of-factly about Daddy’s death, and with smiles about what he’d like and not like. Kate says that Daddy is watching us along with Jesus, and he IS (present tense) thinking we are all beautiful and he IS proud of us…and I am with her all the way!
When we pray at night, I always ask Jesus to “tell Daddy hi, that we love him and we miss him.”
God has begun a work in them already and I just hope I can stay alongside Him in His workings. Pray for me in this, will you? I want to do this right. Not perfect, but I want my girls to see Jesus in every step we take and every struggle Mommy has, and above all, to have His Peace. The Peace “I” have will not be enough…they will need to experience this themselves. I know God can do this, even for two little girls, 9 and 6.
I’ve said before that I know I started a grieving process of sorts from Day One. I seriously think I have been allowed a “head-start” on some of this, like about ten weeks worth. That is not to say there won’t be DAYS that I am engulfed in the missing and the needing, but so many of my questions have been answered in the peace that passes understanding. My friend, Tami, asked me to repeat what God told me about that: “When I demand answers, I sacrifice peace.” Now that’s good preaching! I would not trade the PEACE OF GOD for all the answers to life’s questions. Without Christ, all the answers in this world do not bring Peace.
I do have peace in the midst of this journey. I miss Mike so much but my heart is not heavy. I know there are things in life worse than the death of a Believer, and so I see God at work, a “severe” mercy.
No, I don’t understand, but I trust Him, and I know He has worked His best and perfect plan for both Mike and me. Mike IS healed. And I know He isn’t finished with me and I will wait upon Him to direct me in the days and years ahead.
There is a Mike-shaped hole in my heart that will always be there, but I know that our separation from loved ones is temporary. Jesus is coming soon, and all “sorrow and mourning shall flee away”. I am hopeful for the future because even in the fact of death, I know God wants better for me than I want for myself.
Thank you for your prayers. I look forward to seeing all of you soon, when winter is past.
For the Love of Mike,
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