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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Personal Peace (06/01/06)

TITLE: When a Girl Faces Trouble
By Becky Depp
06/01/06


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The snow is so beautiful, white…pure.

Tears began to well up and run down my cheeks.

No time to wallow in the past events Caroline, so you went to a Frat party, so you had sex with a boy …so what, its not like you smoked the pot like everyone else.

I tried to reassure myself while I walked back to my dorm room.

I was now 20 years old and I probably had sex with at least 10 maybe 20 different men at frat parties and after every time I got mad at myself and cried until my heart broke into a million pieces, and I always prayed for forgiveness and I felt better…at least until the next party.

“Hey Caroline, you want to go out to the movies with me tonight?” Sydney asked as she looked up from her Bible.

I sniffed and wiped away a tear “Uh, no thanks Sydney, I have to study.”

Sydney got up and put her hand on my shoulder, “Hey…are you okay?”

I grabbed some clean clothes

“Uh yeah” I said trying to avoid looking at my roommate.

Sydney sat on her bed “Oh I get it; you went to one of those dumb parties again. Caroline when are you going to learn? You are just a new accessory to those guys, and what’s the risk? Oh Gee I don’t know, a STD or pregnancy, not to mention your hurting your own body by having sex outside of marriage.”

I heard the same speech every time Sydney found out that I went to one of those parties. I looked at my roommate daringly

“Whatever…look I have to go take a shower.”

“OK, Fine, Go Caroline.”

Sydney said as she sat on her bed.

I rolled my eyes at Sydney as I left. When I came back after my shower there was a girl sitting on my bed.

“Hi Caroline I’m Nicole Stewart.” She greeted me.

Nicole Stewart? Nicole was Sam’s ex-girlfriend and Sam just so happened to be the one that I slept with last night.

“Hi Nicole, how are you?” I asked in an extra perky way.

“I’m fine; I just came over to warn you… I heard that you and Sam slept together last night at one of those parties.”

“Warn me?” I asked.

“Yes. Caroline… Sam has HIV.” Nicole told me as she was leaving.

“Sam has HIV?” My legs buckled and I could feel tears welling up in my eyes.

Lord, please. Not HIV. I am so sorry God. I am so ashamed of myself. I pushed away a tear. I was on my knees and I bowed my head and watch my tears fall to the carpet.

Lord, Please let everything turn out ok, I promise I will never have premarital sex again, and I will never go to those parties again.

After a couple days I went to a doctor appointment. When I came back home I sat on the edge of my bed and set my purse down on the floor.

“Well how did it go?” Sydney asked looking up from her computer.

“Fine, the doctor says I’m healthy but he won’t know the test results until tomorrow.” I told her as I lay back on my bed staring at the ceiling.

“Good” She said.

I looked at Sydney

“I learned my lesson, Thank you for trying to get me to see what I was doing was wrong.”

“Well I care about you.” She smiled at me.

“Hey you want to go to the movies?” I asked Sydney.

“Sure!” She exclaimed.

The next day Caroline got the test results back and by the grace of God the tests came back negative for HIV and she never again had premarital sex. Two years later when Caroline and Sydney graduated they devoted their time and money to children with HIV and AIDS.

When Caroline had her Thirtieth birthday she got a phone call from Sydney’s husband. Sydney died in a car accident. Caroline and Sydney’s husband gave the Eulogy at her funeral.

After Sydney’s death, Caroline went into a deep depression. She soon realized that Sydney went to a better place, and she was at peace.
Caroline and a man named Scott got married on what would have been Sydney’s Thirty-first birthday, and six months later they adopted a little boy from Africa who has HIV. They named him Sidney.


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This article has been read 634 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Virginia Gorg06/08/06
Nicely done, but I wondered about the shift from "I" to "she." I think it would have been more effective if it stayed in the first person. A good message about forgiveness.
Dara Sorensen06/08/06
A good story, however I think the ending kinda threw it off a bit; it seemed a little rushed. However, you have a great talent to come up with a good story; keep writing! :-)
Val Clark06/08/06
This has the potential to be a great story! All the elements of drama and an engaging character at odds with herself are very exciting. It falls down because of unnecessary repletion: she asked... etc and not leaving the story at the best point - when she turns to God. Make this part really strong. Kick the judges in the emotional pants. (oops) Also, have a think, is personal peace the star of the show? (A post is on the way with the details) :-) Mmm, some research on HIV testing would not have gone astray. Yeggy
Ann Darcy06/08/06
Thanks for sharing this! I liked the concept a lot! I agree with the others that the end kinda threw me for a loop, it almost sounded like you were telling a true story or something. But I did like it a lot.
angela humphreys06/09/06

God would'nt punish someone
for having pre-marital sex. He does
not bring condemnation, yes if people sleep around without taking precaution
that is dangerous, strong theme, strong judegement to make the only person that can change a person is the Holy spirit not
shock tactics.
dub W06/10/06
Pretty good stuff. Try to write without the tags, and add some description. Be careful when shifting characters (POV) - it throws an audience.
Jan Ackerson 06/12/06
Really good stuff, should be read by teens--avoid the temptation to tie everything up at the end. Your last few paragraphs stopped "showing" and started "telling" and were not as compelling as the first part of the story. Great effort, and keep writing!
Dr. Sharon Schuetz06/13/06
What else can I say that hasn't been said. You have a good story here. You did fit a whole lot into the second half which caused it to be a bit rushed, but it is all good material.

You can make your dialogue much stronger by not saying, she said, she asked, etc. Let the actions of the characters show who is talking.



   
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