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I sit on the ground at the feet of Jesus. We have eaten fish and bread warmed over the fire. My hunger satisfied; I need to linger, as I sense my time with Him is growing short. Though I am a woman, He has welcomed my many questions. I admit that much of my thinking is often foolish, and sometimes I have blurted out that which perhaps should have remained hidden. He has always silenced the others’ teasing laughter, with just a look, or sometimes a little friendly chiding back.
Now He begins to speak. He is talking about being blessed. “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven; Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted; Blessed are the gentle for they shall inherit the earth…”
I felt so sorry for Peter, when I overheard Jesus telling him some very grave things earlier. Peter behaves unscathed, as though what our Lord has said does not affect him, and though I know this Peter to be a strong individual, I also know that Jesus reads each heart, and brings to the surface and light, things that we would normally keep under cover. Peter, though rough around the edges, loves the master with all his heart.
We are a close- knit band of folk, and after all this time together, we know each other better than our own families. In fact most of us have left our families to follow Jesus…I know you don’t understand that…yes, it has been hard to leave behind loved ones…but Jesus has said that we are now on a journey and to be fit for the Father’s kingdom, we must not look back.
I met this Jesus through John, the one who baptized us, and I am convinced that Jesus truly is the Messiah. I have heard too many accounts, and have seen too much, to doubt this. My own mother, father and brother have disowned me. Poor Mother…I saw her at market yesterday. I was so hoping she had come to hear our Lord, as He spoke at the gates, but no. I tried to embrace her and she pulled away so violently. I thought my heart would break as I saw her longing; I saw her tears. My brother Marcus picked up a stone and I saw Mother catch his sleeve as he attempted to throw…I also saw the look on his face. I pray Marcus did not tell our father of mother’s effort to protect me. That would not be good for Mother.
I know I am now considered dead to the family, as they see my devotion to Jesus as a great betrayal. I am just grateful that I can carry Mother’s secret love for me in my heart. I pray for her and Marcus and our father daily. I pray that they too might follow Jesus.
I love my Lord with my whole heart. Being a woman without much knowledge of government and all this upheaval in our land, I only know that I must continue to follow Him. I am not sure what made me listen to Him or what drew me to His side, any more than I understand why Peter, Andrew, James and John left their nets, boats and families. I have no idea about the others either. The twelve are the inner circle and I am among the crowds, but I can tell you surely that I am in no way overlooked. Just as I know my mothers’ love still burns for me, I know my Lord loves me even more.
I will continue to listen to His wonderful words, and absorb as much of His teaching as I can. I have heard that He is going away, where none of us can go, so I intend to stay as close as I can until that occurs. I cannot imagine being without Him. If He does go away, as I have heard, I intend to seek Him, with all that’s in me…I will not rest until I find Him. That I will do unto death, if need be…seek Him.
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