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Depression
We often hear the expression, “that was hell” when dealing with a difficult situation. Of course we don’t know exactly what hell is like, unless we’ve been there. However, for someone who has battled clinical depression as I have, hell becomes very real. Depression can be summed up in one word, hopelessness. This hopelessness is driven by the fear that your life is never going to be normal, you are never going to be happy, and there’s nothing anyone could do to help you, not even God. That’s hell.
When did it begin? I don’t really know, it just seems to have always been there, even during childhood. It haunted me during the day and I battled its terror in the darkness of night as nightmare after nightmare disrupted my sleep. Sometimes it was under my bed as an angry beast waiting for me to put my feet on the floor so it could devour me, with its horrid sharp fangs. Other times it came in form of a dark giant threatening to snuff the very life out of me as I laid helpless. As I grew up it turned into real people that hurt me and pushed me deeper and deeper into despair. So how is this a story of hope? Well, I never understood hope until I was totally hopeless. As I rapidly descended into what I felt, was a bottomless pit of depression, God stepped in and began to teach me about his mercy and unconditional love. As I slowly began to understand and accept his love for me, hope began to grow inside of my soul and the depressive darkness began to disperse. Hope that my life could, after all, be made whole as I’ve never known it to be.
It has taken years to trudge through a lot of the muck of the past but through it all God has never giving up on me, and has kept me from giving up on my self. Every day he shows me that with him all things are possible including healing of past hurts and that life is worth living because of his great love for me. That’s hope.
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