The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
05/13/06
A story that reminds us every day rhat our loved ones remain okay and safe is a gift from God, not something He owes us, but something to be cherished and appreciated. Good job.
05/15/06
Good story. Can I suggest you work a little on showing, not telling?
For example: '“I’m a nurse in the emergency room at Christopher Hospital. Your son Robert is here and he’s been in a very serious car accident.”, the nurse said. Of course, Jenny’s mind went racing with worry. Jenny asked with hopefulness, “Is he okay?” '
This tells us how she felt, but we don't feel it with her. How about 'The world went silent. Jenny saw the downy head of her newborn suckling at her breast; the triumhant five year old grinning with pride at his first bicycle...' I haven't done it very well, but we are starting to get inside her mind, to feel with her... Real potential in this piece.