The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
05/12/06
This is heart touching for me, as a person whose father served time in the military. However, it is confusing as you swapped point of views. You can use dividing lines that will let the reader know that you are changing view points. Also, the ending...it seems a little unrealistic. Can’t really explain why, but it just feels unrealistic to me.

Keep writing though.
05/13/06
I think you made the alternating POVs clear enough. I like the parallel way yo told he story - i worked for me. Watch your punctuation, though, which let it down a little. There's real talent here.
05/13/06
I like the way your switched between POV. A powerful message. Good job.
I liked the way you switched, but be careful of punctuation. Without sentence breaks your sentences run together and it makes it harder to read.