There it was, glaring out from the computer screen. The words I never thought I would see. I had been so confident in how God had directed me. For a moment I could not breath.
“We are disappointed to inform you that…”
The email shattered my dreams. My heart, that desired so badly to serve God, crumbled into pieces.
I do not understand; I prayed so hard. I prayed all of the right things.
- God, your will be done.
- God, give me a desire for the choice you want me to make, and take away all desires for the other options.
- God, confirm this if it is your will.
- God, shut the doors that I do not need to enter.
- God, I want this badly, but I want you more.
He took away my desires for every option but one. He confirmed over and over again that this was what He had for me. He closed every door and window except for this one.
And then he closed this one.
What do you do when God breaks your heart?
All I wanted to do was serve God and come to know Him for who He is rather than who I want Him to be. I wanted to be pushed out of my comfort zone. Finding the opportunity was nothing short of a miracle. Then finding out that I, unknowingly, have the connections and networking needed to make this happen. God opened multiple doors. Everything that happened in the last eight months said, “go for it!” God was leading, and I was following.
And then He said no. He closed the door.
I brushed tears away as they clung to the edge of my sunglasses. Swallowing sobs, I tried to concentrate on driving. My only thought was, “Oh God, what now?”
I ended up at the home of a lifelong friend. “Why,” I asked angrily, “Does God tell you something and then all of a sudden change his mind?”
“God is truth.” She said, opening her Bible. “Everything God tells you is truth. Remember, he sees things different than you do.”
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, says the LORD.” Isaiah 55:8.
And that was my moment of epiphany.
God is truth. Everything He tells us is truth. But God’s truth is not so much about prophecy-revealing our future-as it is teaching us about Himself. God’s truth is teaching us to know Him. When God tells me something, it is truth. He may tell me something later, that seems contradictory, but it is also truth. Because God’s truth is about me knowing Him. Not where I go or what I do. Knowing God.
He may lead me down a dark tunnel toward an unknown door. I, of course, am focused solely on the door at the end of the tunnel. When we reach the end, I find that the door is locked. God did not mislead me or misguide me. The purpose of the tunnel was the experience with God, not the door at the end.
When God breaks your heart, hand Him the pieces. Because He is good and He will always do the best thing. God is good, and although my heart is still broken, I am hopeful. Because my heart, broken though it may be, rests secure in the arms of my Savior.
“But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:31
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