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Fear gripped me. Even though my husband had come home again, even though I had agreed to try to work it out one more time, I was on the brink of losing everything. My home, security for my children, my own sense of security, was about to be taken from me. After finally taking the painful step of calling the mortgage company and entering into an agreement to pay the back payments owed I allowed my next to last payment to arrive late. It didn’t matter that I thought I got the payment out on time all that mattered was I didn’t and the mortgage company was demanding payment in full for the past due account or they would go into foreclosure.
Our home was always a safety net for our children, for me. Things so often felt out of control with an alcoholic husband but at least I had a home, a sense of stability for our two children. With their own home they could feel a sense of security even when their father wasn’t around to be there for them. They could feel a sense of permanence when their mother, me, couldn’t be strong enough to say, enough, this isn’t right.
Before going to work, leaving my husband at home since he’d lost his job, I said, “You must call about the foreclosure. I’ve done my part, this is your responsibility.”
Of course he agreed, he always agreed, it was so much easier for him than actually dealing with anything. That night when he told me he didn’t make the call I wasn’t even all that surprised. I went out back feeling numb. I couldn’t bear to loose our small, humble home. It seemed so unfair to my children that we had allowed it to come to this. I was beyond tears. Staring into the dark sky dotted with sparkling stars I prayed for an answer.
There in that moment of silence, staring into that velvety sky I felt the answer. It was time for me to stop waiting for my husband to fix things that were so completely out of his control. I realized I could take care of things, I already had been, working two jobs, being involved with our children’s school. It was time to see I could do this, with God’s help.
My family went through some very difficult financial times. We came out of bankruptcy with our house and a more mature way of dealing with finances. Our marriage didn’t make it but after a year of divorce my exhusband finally got sober and now enjoys a great relationship with his children and is handling his own finances in a much better way. While things didn’t turn out as I expected, or wanted, I realize we’re all better off.
I believe we all have the capability of rising to the tremendous difficulties that come our way, but we cannot do it alone. Inside we have the strength to survive the hand that’s been dealt us and become better people for it, if only we turn to God, or our higher power, and truly believe that the support and guidance we need is there for us.
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