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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Enter (02/27/06)

TITLE: Comings and Goings
By The Tornyn
03/05/06


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The autumn wind blew at Crystal's back as she gazed up at a forgotten building. The red bricks, battered by age, had always comforted her. She once believed that no matter How hard the wind blew or Satan tested, she was like one of those brick, battered but still standing.

Letting go of a deep sigh, she began to pace back and forth on the sidewalk outside the dusty church. As the leaves blew across the nearly empty parking lot, she stopped and looked at the sunset as it painted the clouds a soft pink and red. Jesse would have loved it.

The young woman took a deep breath and entered the structure, a fear of rejection stirring in her heart. Everything was the same. She passed the old chair he loved to occupy on Sundays, now littered with flyers and announcements. She could almost hear his voice as she walked deeper down the hallway.

She managed to smile at the torn carpet and peeling wallpaper. Like God, it had not changed. She had. Grief had torn her from her only true Comfort and rage had kept her from returning to what she knew was right.

Until now.

With a push of a door she found herself in the heart of the church. She slowly walked down the aisle and tentatively knelt in front of a faded wooden cross.

"I am sorry." she whispered, carefully removing the small gold ring which had once meant the world to her. She sat in silence, not sure what she expected. She began to rise when she was stopped. It was hard to feel at first, like a fire eating away at a wet wick but soon her heart erupted with His love and Empathy. She returned to her knees as tears fell down her face.

"I know, You didn't take him from me." she gasped for air in between sobs. "It was just his time. I am sorry I left you" She put her face in her hands and cried in shame. "It won't happen again."


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Member Comments
Member Date
esther robinson03/08/06
Realistic and emotion packed. Good writing.
Sandra Petersen 03/11/06
There is so much potential here! Some good descriptive sentences. I felt as if I were with Crystal as she paced, then entered the church building.

You left me wondering a few things: what did she do with the gold ring, why did Jesse sit in a chair in the hallway on Sundays instead of in the church sanctuary itself, if the parking lot was nearly empty where were the people who owned the remaining vehicles, and, of course, how did Jesse die?

One suggestion: use power-packed verbs to increase the impact of an article that has impact already. Did the autumn wind blow at Crystal's back or did it seem to nudge her? Did the leaves blow across the parking lot or did they rustle or chase each other? Did she slowly walk down the aisle or hesitate with each step?

You are an excellent writer. Keep striving for the maximum impact.