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“I cannot enter that door.”
“Why can’t you?”
“I don’t know. Maybe.... Maybe it is because that would be admitting defeat.”
“Excuse me?”
“Well, I have always been told that I control what goes in my mouth. If I didn’t want something in my mouth, it was within my control to not let it enter. If I go through that door, I would be admitting I don’t have control over what goes into my own mouth. I have failed to control that little thing in my life. If I can’t control that, why should I think that I could control anything else?”
“You can’t honestly think that.”
“Maybe not. Maybe it would be admitting I don’t have enough faith in God. I am always talking about how God is control of my life, how I do nothing without him. Yet, if my eating is out of control, then God can’t be in control of my life. If God is not in control of my life, then is my faith even real? Am I just doing a bunch of lip service or worse, just going through the motions without a thought? Why have I never prayed to God to help me with this? I’ll tell you why, because I don’t want to admit there is a need to pray about this. I don’t want to admit that I haven’t been counting on God for help with this for all my life.”
“I’m not the one you should be talking to about this. I’m just the one who came to hold you up through this. Now, come on. We can’t sit out here all night. What good would that do?”
“Then let’s go home.”
“No. We came here because you need to be here. We are not leaving until the meeting is complete.”
“Well, I can’t go through that door. I can’t enter that room. Not with other people there. Not in front of all THOSE people. Please, don’t make me.”
“Look, THOSE people are no different than you. If you go in that room, if you just listen to those people, you will find that you understand them - and they, you - a lot more than you think you do. Now, gather yourself up. You owe this to yourself. You owe this to your husband. You owe this to God. Now, let’s go.”
“WAIT!”
“Now what?”
“I’m going to be sick.”
“No you’re not.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I know you. I know you are just trying to stall. Now, come on.”
Being out of stalling tactics, I watched her open the door. As she went in, fear overwhelmed me. I just could not enter that room. I ran to the bathroom and relieved my stomach of dinner. Several times over. By the time I was done, so was the meeting.
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