The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
02/23/06
There are some great phrases in here - brilliant word choices that really convey the stilted emotions of hopelessness. I need more information, though. I'm not quite sure what's happening. It's a delicate (and difficult) balance between giving enough information and letting the audience read between the lines. You're very close to that balance, so don't be discouraged - I just need a little bit more clarity. And your "voice" is excellent. You've done a great job capturing this character.
I agree with Anita. It was a facinating story and what was there was well-written, but I didn't quite get it...
02/23/06
Ditto on the previous comments - but tell me more, what you have here begs for further development.
02/23/06
Your phrasing is very powerful and edgy. Emotional tension appears from the first line and never dissipates--but I, too, was a little confused with the end.
02/23/06
I'll agree with the previous commenters, and add that this is both heartbreaking and lyrical. Well done.
My only comment here is that this reads like it begs to be a poem. Some line breaks here, a little reworking of the words there and 'viola' you have a powerful poem in your portfolio. Really, it would not take much work at all and I think the mystery you are trying to reveal/keep will stay just barely visible. I did understand what was happening. I do understand the ending. When it is read as a poem, it works.
02/24/06
Wow! I'm suprised at the comments, cause I totally get it!
I do think it would be better presented in poetic style (it doesn't need to rhyme) rather than prose.
It really causes one to think. I agree with those that said it is poetic. I felt the hopelessness. I read it three times, wondering if it was mom or child that committed suicide. Did I get it? Good job.
I agree with James and the others. A little polishing and you have a great poem here.
I clicked on your link, and the first thing I want to say is you don't suck at all. Don't even thing that! For a Level 1 entry this is awesome. I got it, but then perhaps that was because I read it as poetry because it seemed to have that quality. Follow the advice of others and I think you'll have a great piece. Loved the biblical references too - "A voice is heard in Ramah, mourning and great weeping, Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted, because her children are no more" - they tied in so well. Well done.
02/24/06
Umm, excuse me ... you don't suck. This is very very good. I totally get the story and think you did great. Keep it up!
02/26/06
I get it, but then sort of don't get it. What does the sentence mean: "I didn't get to."? Also, why does she swallow the remnants? Perhaps this was just above my head. You had some great imagery. I think I just wanted more.