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For the past three years, I’ve been trying to keep in stride – the Christian stride, but it’s been a rougher road than I have ever experienced. You see, my husband and I have been trying to start a family but our journey has led down one disappointing road after another. It was this last curve though, that took me for a final loop.
I don’t want to bore with details, so here is a brief account. We started off badly by having two consecutive miscarriages. Then things got worse when we found out that as a congenital defect, I have only one fallopian tube and half a uterus. As if that weren’t enough, the road twisted and turned to discovering that, after getting pregnant twice, my one tube is now somehow blocked and cannot be opened by any medical procedure. (I know because I underwent the surgeries to try.) But, that was neither the curve nor the final loop.
During all of this, my relationship with God never weakened; I knew Jesus was working on my behalf. And even though it has been painful, God is good and He has helped me stay in the press. He has helped me rebound from disappointment to disappointment with my faith and hope being strengthened with each bounce.
There was a medical answer to our predicament, In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF). It is an expensive procedure to say the least, but my insurance actually covered everything at 100%. This was a huge blessing because otherwise, I don’t know how we would have come up the money. So with a green light ahead, my husband and I researched doctors and, being led by the Holy Spirit, found a wonderfully experienced program.
We made it through all the tests, procedures and daily injectable medications without a hitch. The IVF resulted in three embryos of the highest quality being fertilized but because of my half uterus conundrum, only one embryo was implanted with hopes of becoming our baby.
My husband and I were so excited. We rubbed my stomach and talked to the little embryo all the time. We even bought a new car preparing for our new family and as an act of faith. Everyday, I stood on God’s Word declaring that “Children are an inheritance of the Lord” (Ps 127:3) and for mental and spiritual peace I read Hebrews 4:9-11, “There remains a rest therefore for the people of God…be diligent to enter that rest”
Life was good and we were excited. Two weeks finally passed; it was time for the pregnancy test. Off we went to get my blood drawn and tested. Because I inadvertently left my cell phone at home, the nurse said she would call my husband that afternoon with the results. We left the doctor’s office and I went to work, anticipating good news. All day long I tried to stay calm, thinking of how I was going to be a mommy. Around 1pm, my office phone rang and so beat my heart.
“Hey!” I said.
“It’s a no.” I just knew this was another one of my husband’s inappropriate times to joke but I heard no hint of laughter in his voice.
“Are you serious?” I asked, halfway joking, halfway hoping.
“No… It’s a no.”
I believe at that point in time, I was the angriest I’d ever been. My husband, knowing me too well and caring just as much, was already in route to pick me up from work when he called just so he could be near by when he told me the news.
As we drove home, I remember breaking it. I felt all my strength, faith and hope draining with each tear - and it happened. I broke stride. I stopped smack dab in the middle of nowhere and nothing. I no longer had the courage to see my way out or the strength to get there.
It was three mutinous months later that I finally started seeing hope on the horizon. Unbeknownst to me, I had moved to a place where I could see again. I knew I had not done anything to make progress, yet I was. That is when I saw it, the single pair of footprints in the sand. Indeed I wasn’t walking; Jesus was.
My story is still unfolding and I am still being carried, but it’s wonderful to learn that even when I break stride, Jesus keeps me in step.
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