ďI need some space.Ē
I never knew how those words would hurt me when I spoke them through a veil of tears last Monday.
I honestly donít think he saw it coming.
I had him wrapped around my finger. He listened attentively to my every word and doted on my every need.
We used each other.
It wasnít that I hated him, but I hated what he reminded me of; guilt, shame and worthlessness.
Whenever we were together I had a deep foreboding sense of two deviating worlds colliding. Both worlds being polar opposites of each other, yet both determining to defy gravity and become one.
One side of me hated him and the other side loved him. He was my peace and comfort, yet also my turmoil and inner anguish. I had the perfect love- hate relationship.
Then, it ended.
I knew it was unhealthy to continue in this secret other world. Fulfilling my deepest longings, and giving in to selfishness on a routine basis.
Iíve been told to ignore the pain. They say it gets easier every day. I donít think it gets easier, but every day without him, gives me more hope that I can make it through the next.
The relationship started innocent enough.
I was a beautiful, young and impressionable girl. He was experienced, conniving and manipulative. I was taken with him instantly.
My life consisted of a tangled web of lies which plagued me with beliefs that I wasnít good enough, pretty enough or skinny enough, but he gave me hope that I could be those things with him.
I gave him my trust. In fact, I gave him my whole heart.
Our relationship lasted almost seven years. The first couple of years flew by. I thought I was making the right choice. I thought we had a future together. Then things began getting...different.
The hope that I had with him was dimming, the joy I used to have was gone.
My life seemed so bleak.
I had gone so far with him. I believed that I had wrecked any hope of a new life with someone else.
Like any addition, I couldnít shake him no matter how terrible he made me feel about myself.
I canít describe the pain he gave me. When I gave in to him, the world caved in around me. Death was all I wanted. Life seemed but a distant memory. A lie unknown to me.
I wanted to go back in time and change everything. I wanted to erase the lies spoken to me that drove me into his open arms. I wanted to erase our history together. But I couldnít.
The more I thought about erasing those dark, empty years, the more I gave in to him.
I once heard a definition of insanity as ďone who does someone over and over, expecting different results.Ē By that definition, you could classify me as insane.
Itís been one week today since I told him to leave. I realize itís not as simple as a few words. The struggle is difficult. Lies of ďyouíre alone,Ē ďyou need meĒ ďyou canít live without meĒ circulate around my head like an eagle before devouring his prey, and then I look around me. I see the stars placed so exquisitely in the universe. I see signs of life all around me. I see people living with true joy and peace. I know Iím not alone.
Heís there with me.
I realize that I need help. I also realize that thereís hope.
Last Tuesday was the first day I didnít see him in seven years. I never thought I could do it. The day was excruciating. All I wanted was to call him, apologize and welcome him back with open arms.
One thing kept me from inviting him back, the importance of my life.
I wanted my life back.
I think about his name, Eating Disorder, and I shutter. One simple decision that I made years ago, began a seemingly unending struggle. One compromise began a world of pain, hurt and shame.
Each day that I live without giving in to the lies, I see the space between us growing further. Iím not allowing anything else to fill it. That empty space is slowly being consumed with Godís redemptive love and His grace for me.
I long for the day when that empty space is completely filled with Him.
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