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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Escape (01/02/06)

TITLE: The Cross


Me and my brother Ben are thieves. Pickpockets. Something weird had just happened. A man called Jesus had come to our town of Nazareth and had been healing many people.

He rode upon a donkey through the people praising him. They were yelling things like ‘The Messiah is here!’ Jesus had looked into my eyes like he knew me. I ran away from him. He was freaky, but I wouldn’t have ran if I knew what was going to happen. 3 days later news came round that Jesus would be killed on Friday on a cross. Just thinking of the word “cross” made me shudder. Two days before Jesus would be killed we found a big crowd and started looking for wallets. We wre going to eat well tonight.

Suddenly a deep voice came from behind us. “Get them!” It was the captain of the guards! We ran through the crowd like a speeding arrow. But the guards were faster. We decided to take the normal escape route. We zoomed round the corner. More guards! We were cornered.

We were arrested and taken before Pilate and nailed on a cross two days later. To my surprise Jesus was on a cross in between me and Ben. I had made up my mind. I looked at Jesus and said “Take me to heaven with you”. My brother looked at me like I was stupid. Jesus answered me. “I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise.” Then my life on earth came to an end.

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Member Comments
Member Date
Jan Ackerson 01/09/06
This is a very clever idea. I think you have the makings of a longer story here, with a unique and interesting POV. You might consider a few edits: I don't think people had "wallets" in Jesus' time, for example, and the slang word "freaky" seems out of place.

But I'd really like to read a longer version of this, with more development of the characters of Ben and his brother. You have a nice start here.
Dara Sorensen01/09/06
This seems like it will be a very interesting story. As the previous comment said, be sure to watch your use of slang when writing something historical; try to find a word that might better fit within the frame of the story. The story does tend to jump around very quickly as well, but I understand the difficulty of portraying multiple events within a word limit!

The story is a good one and with a little more description and elaboration, it will become great! Keep writing !
Sandra Petersen 01/10/06
An interesting perspective on the crucifixion!
The story did seem a bit rushed. There would have been some prison time before the crucifixion of the thieves when they would have had time to contemplate their fate. Maybe the narrator looked into Jesus' eyes while on the cross and saw compassion for him instead of agony and came to his decision. Just a suggestion.
I agree with Jan and Dara about keeping all things in the story compatible with that time period. A wallet would be an anachronism.
Connie Husby01/10/06
I liked your story! It reminded me of the "Joshua" books. You are very creative and have fictional talent. I would have liked to have read a longer version. Keep up the good work, and keep tabs on the spelling...You could go places, trust the Holy Spirit to guide you with your writing and every day life! To God be all Glory!
May your day be blessed, and may you continue to Glorify HIM.
Jeffrey Snell01/10/06
Wow, great concept! Consider developing this with slower pacing and more introspection by the main character. Loved your approach here--very original.
Suzanne R01/13/06
You 'ran through the crowds like a speeding arrow' ... you 'zoomed around the corner' ... great descriptions here!

You know something weird. In Chinese (yeah, I know this was Israel, not China) the word 'ben' means 'stupid'. So in the story, your brother Ben looked at you like you were stupid for asking Jesus to save you ... but really, he was the stupid one, wasn't he!

Well done! Keep writing often.
Alexandra Wilkin01/13/06
I liked those descriptive lines very much too, and I liked your point of view (pov) of the crucifixion. The style is very clear and compact, and though a little too fast, you have the storytellers ear and a talent for pacing a story that needs to be slowed down just a little. Give that expressive quality more room to grow. God bless.
Linda Watson Owen01/14/06
I really like this story! Braden, you're a good writer, and I hope you write more for us to read!
Val Clark01/24/06
What an interesting character you picked to protray this biblical story. You have an ability to write action that takes the reader along with you. Keep writing.