The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
11/18/15
This is interesting. With the introduction to Mephibosheth, I was expecting some kind of storyline. (I still think it could be part of longer story.)
Keep writing.
11/18/15
This was interesting, and I enjoyed reading it. Nice work!
Congratulations on ranking 8th in level one. The highest rankings can be found on the message boards.
Wow, your courage in this piece really shines through. By sharing your intimate thoughts, you've given the reader hope. I totally related to your MC. I know it couldn't have been easy to share those emotions; yet if not for your courage, the Holy Spirit wouldn't have been able to use your story to glorify him.

I noticed some tiny things I want to point out. You tend to use a lot of adjectives and adverbs. Of course, there is nothing wrong with that, but if you can balance them with verbs that pop, your story will pop more too . For example, see how these two lines change your mental picture. I was very, very hurt and angry.
My feelings of abandonment angered and tormented me.
Both sentences mean pretty much the same thing, but for me the latter pops more. I switched hurt with tormented, but I also switched it from a passive sentence to an active one. Sometimes, I'll challenge myself to write only active lines. Of course, a good story requires the perfect balance of the two, but I find if I practice doing just one or the other, it's easier to naturally find that balance.

Although, I pointed out the use of modifiers, I want to affirm your wonderful verb selections. Spiral and evaded are just two examples that I thoroughly enjoyed.
Because you have such a grip on your word choices, I'd urge you to avoid clichés like end of my rope, drowning in despair. Instead put those in your own words, and you'll have an even more powerful connection with your reader.

You did an outstanding job of sharing. I firmly believe that God has huge plans for you and this story. You definitely touched my heart.