Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: LOVE (agape and/or phileo) (03/12/15)
- TITLE: The Hole
By Julie Berry
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I sat waiting in nervous anticipation. What would I say? What would he say? What would he ask me?
My heart was beating like a runaway jackhammer. My eyes kept darting to the door every few seconds waiting for it to open. How did I get here? What brought me to this place, this moment? I didn’t want to be here or anywhere else.
I wanted to disappear; to disappear forever.
I had it all, didn’t I? Great job, lots of friends, living the dream but it was all a great, big façade.
The door opened. I sat up a little straighter on the bed, grabbed one of the pillows and held it close.
“Good morning, Liz. Good to see you again. How are you?”
“Fine”, I muttered. I wasn’t fine but since he was the psychiatrist assigned to me, I figured he already knew that.
“Well”, he began, “I’ve reviewed all the tests we ran when you were admitted to the unit yesterday.”
Unit? That’s a nice way of putting it, I thought to myself. Funny farm, nuthouse, loony bin would be more appropriate.
“As I expected, your depression is not a chemical problem. So, we need to figure out what’s going on.”
I knew what was going on, what the problem was but I couldn’t say it out loud. I was just getting to a point where I would even allow myself to consciously think about it. Up until now, when the realization would begin to surface, I would stuff it back down as quickly as possible.
He continued. “We’ve already discussed that your mother is an alcoholic living with your brother who is a drug addict.”
If I hadn’t been so scared and depressed, I would have laughed out loud. The Gunter family, the pillar of the small town of Jasper, Texas sounded like a soap opera.
“How do you think that’s affected you?”, he asked.
I tried to think of something smart to say, or witty or maybe just sarcastic but I simply hung my head in shame. I looked up at him a short time later, tears streaming down my face.
My mind raced, filled with everything God had been showing me the last few months while I was in counseling. There was a deep, gaping hole in me that I had tried to fill with anything and everything. Nothing worked. And now God had brought me to a place where I had to face it, admit it. I had to allow Him to heal it. I had to say it out loud if I was ever going to get better.
“Dr. Russell”, I whispered, “I’m afraid.”
He nodded and waited for me to continue.
I could do it, I could say it, I could admit it to myself first, right now.
“I want someone to love me. For someone to love me, just for me.”
There it was, laid out raw and open and vulnerable.
I grew up in a house where my parents never said the words, “I love you, “ and because of that I didn’t think I was worthy of love from anyone, including God.
I wrestled and struggled and manipulated and cajoled every situation my whole life trying to obtain that love.
But my mouth had opened and confessed my greatest fear, my greatest need, my greatest weakness. Healing began that day, hope was restored. God’s true love was found.
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