The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
10/18/14
Quite the breathless story!!!

You have obviously enjoyed putting this together, but it needs more para breaks for us to stay with you - especially when the conversation switches from one character to another.

Extra paras also allow you to build the sense of teasing (that "Where are we going with this?" factor) that keeps reeling in your readers as you set us up for the punch line.
10/18/14
Hahahahah! This was funny and creative. Well done.

God bless~