The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
08/21/14
A very endearing approach to the topic. David's dialogue and interaction, and thoughts were interesting as you presented them on paper.

Well done.

God bless~
I like the common touch you have given to this bible story.

From 1 Samuel 17:20 I cannot tell if David loaded up the supplies in a wagon (or something similar) or on a donkey. This may not make a difference but it makes a better story (in my view) for David to have used a donkey.

Put this story with many other bible stories and you have a "kids bible story book".
08/26/14
I've commented before that I am a sucker for "story-ized" Bible accounts. No different here. I enjoyed reading the personalized characterization of David and the others.

I have a couple of minor critiques. In the 3rd paragraph, you used the phrase "It was weird." It threw me just a little bit to come across a more modern way of talking, in a historical story set so long ago.

That could be just me. It might not be an issue at all! :)

There were a few places where there were commas, and perhaps should have been periods instead, maybe.

"He was silent for a few more seconds, then looked up again with a puzzled look on his face,
"Aren't you a little young to be here, redhead?" I shrugged,"

I was thinking there should be a period rather than a comma after "face" and "shrugged". Unless you were intending to make the prose lead in to the dialogue by commas?

I hope I'm not being confusing. I thought the way you wrote it was lively and engaging. And I liked the part you chose to write about, before the battle, rather than the famous battle itself.
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