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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Facepalm (05/15/14)

By Gloria Grenada


Jenny was in the sitting room of her apartment when the phone rang. The anxious sobbing voice of her mother on the other end was the first inkling that all was not well. “You need to go to the hospital. We just had a call. Gina has had a terrible accident.”

Jenny tore across the room, grabbed her car keys and her handbag. She called out to Teddy to get into the car. Teddy drove to the hospital which was 3 miles away. Thankfully the traffic was manageable and flowing smoothly today.

“Please God let this not be the end” she prayed all the way there. She rushed to the receptionist desk and was directed to Gina's room. The doctor broke the bad news to her.

Gina the beautiful dancer had to have her left foot amputated because she had fallen through the stage floor. Her ankle and foot was irreparably crushed.

Jenny heard the sound of a wounded animal eject from her lips as she slumped into the nearby chair and dropped her face in her hands in absolute anguish at such a great loss.

Nearby Gina lay sedated in the bed with a cage over her legs.
“We tried to save her foot but we could not” the doctor said. “The damage was very severe because she had fallen from a great height.”

Jenny sat with her face in her hands for some time as her mind and heart traveled on into the future. She imagined how difficult it would be for Gina to cope with this great loss. It was a loss not only of limb but of her way of life.

All of her life she had danced. As a child in school plays and later as a student in the Royal Ballet School of London where she had trained rigorously and was wowed by all the critics for her artistry and suppleness.

Jenny's consolation and hope was that Gina's strong faith in God, her strength and the support of the family who loved her deeply would see her through this. She determined that she would not leave her bedside and to be there when she woke up.

Jenny knew that the Press would report the news and that many of Gina's admirers would be sad at this loss to the world of ballet. Now she had better call Pastor Rick before he got the news from other sources. Mother and Father were flying in from Florida and would be here tomorrow.

“Oh my dear Gina, it will not be easy but you are not alone” Jenny whispered as she sat closer to the bed and held her hands. She felt the comfort of God as she sat there and hoped Gina would too.

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This article has been read 162 times
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C D Swanson 05/22/14
Hauntingly beautiful entry that touched and pulled on the proverbial heartstrings.

Well done...I liked the message at the end. Hope, in that she was never alone.

Great job with this!

God bless~
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 05/24/14
This is an intense story. You did a fine job of pulling out the suspense and allowing the reader to absorb it all.

I noticed several places where you really needed commas like after the last word in a quote if it is joined together with a tagine like he said. One of my favorite resources for all things grammatical is http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm

I also noticed that a lot of your sentences were about the same length. You might want to switch it up some to help the pacing of the story. Here's an example to show you what I mean. Sitting in the living room, Jenny jumped when the phone rang. She turned to see the clock and her heart pounded at the late hour. Only bad news came at 11:59 pm. Her hand shaking she picked up the phone. Her stomach bubbled when she heard sobbing on the other end of the line.
Although you did a nice job creating the conflict right away and pulling the reader in, eager to keep reading, in my example, I tried to keep building the suspense just a little more. By no means is my way better than yours; I just wanted to try and show you what I mean by pacing the story and creating suspense.

I think you did a good job of weaving the topic into the story. I thought this week was particularly difficult, but you make it look easy.

I also liked that your MC prayed (you may want to put thoughts and prayers in italics so the reader spots it right off) because some people don't know how to pray and you did a great job of showing just that.
Trudy Newell 05/28/14
I enjoy this. You made the MC real!