The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
05/22/14
Hauntingly beautiful entry that touched and pulled on the proverbial heartstrings.

Well done...I liked the message at the end. Hope, in that she was never alone.

Great job with this!

God bless~
This is an intense story. You did a fine job of pulling out the suspense and allowing the reader to absorb it all.

I noticed several places where you really needed commas like after the last word in a quote if it is joined together with a tagine like he said. One of my favorite resources for all things grammatical is http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm

I also noticed that a lot of your sentences were about the same length. You might want to switch it up some to help the pacing of the story. Here's an example to show you what I mean. Sitting in the living room, Jenny jumped when the phone rang. She turned to see the clock and her heart pounded at the late hour. Only bad news came at 11:59 pm. Her hand shaking she picked up the phone. Her stomach bubbled when she heard sobbing on the other end of the line.
Although you did a nice job creating the conflict right away and pulling the reader in, eager to keep reading, in my example, I tried to keep building the suspense just a little more. By no means is my way better than yours; I just wanted to try and show you what I mean by pacing the story and creating suspense.

I think you did a good job of weaving the topic into the story. I thought this week was particularly difficult, but you make it look easy.

I also liked that your MC prayed (you may want to put thoughts and prayers in italics so the reader spots it right off) because some people don't know how to pray and you did a great job of showing just that.
05/28/14
I enjoy this. You made the MC real!