The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
04/24/14
Awww...lovely and so well written. I enjoyed this immensely. Good job with this piece.

God bless~
04/25/14
I liked your gentle humor used throughout your piece. It would be easier to read if you broke up the dialog into small paragraphs. You can do this easily by pressing the enter key when you copy and paste your selection. Check your dialog punctuation, there were a few sentences where the period or comma was after the quotation sign. Looking forward to seeing more!
04/27/14
Good story, good dialogue and my only red ink is the same as given above: when you have a new speaker, it is generally a good time to change paragraphs. This gives the reader a better clue who is speaking and gives the eye a place to rest.

Keep up the great work!
I don't read other comments until I have read and made my own comments so these may have already been noted.

Each time a character speaks should be in a new paragraph so divide the conversations with more paragraphs.

A beginning like this could go anywhere from a short story to a full blown novel - maybe a mystery. Just add more descriptive words and action words to show emotions.

You have something to build on.