Jamie reaches under her mattress and begins to read her journal from that time not so long ago.
January 3, 2010
Thoughts of guilt and doubt swirl around me, pulling me deeper and deeper into the dark recesses of my mind. I try to cry out but am unable to utter a single sound. I am literally sinking quietly below the surface. Where once I could picture vibrant yellows and reds, I can now only envision shades of grays and blacks.
January 7, 2010
I feel like I am moving in slow motion, just like a plane set on automatic pilot. Even though I no longer experience much pleasure, I still go around wearing a plastic smile across my face. When people ask me how I am, I just nod and say, ďIím okay.Ē I wonder if anyone will notice my deception and throw me a lifeline.
January 9, 2010
Suddenly, it is if my whole life is flashing before me. Every incident, even forgotten ones pass through my mind in panoramic succession. Then, I begin to question God and whether my actions are right or wrong. Do I need to forgive someone? Am I being punished for some wrong I have committed in my past? I even question His presence in midst of my trouble?
January 10, 2010
While I am still choking and sputtering from the lack of oxygen in my lungs, God sends me a clear message. I can see Him coming up behind me and lifting my head out of the water. He breathes into me a new breathe of life. Still I realize that this is only the beginning of my journey back from the brink of death.
January 11, 2010
My mother calls me the next morning; she is worried about me and wants me to go see my doctor. After a battery of tests, I am placed on an antidepressant medication and sent to a therapist for some talk therapy.
January 18, 2010
I sit and stare at Dr. Blake. I donít want to reveal my thoughts to a total stranger. What if I am really crazy? It seems as if Dr. Blake has read my mind; she assures me that I am not crazy. I am experiencing a bout of a serious mental illness, Major Depression. I donít want that label assigned to me; I would rather have a physical illness. I start crying uncontrollably and reach over and take a wad of Kleenex from the nearby box.
January 26, 2010
My second session with Dr. Blake goes much better than my first. I begin to open up a little about my thoughts and feelings as my foot taps in anxious succession. Dr. Blakeís blue eyes stare right through me and her questions continue.
February 4, 2010
My insomnia continues and I am placed on another medication to help with the sleep. Even though I see a sliver of hope, I realize I have a long way to go. I am still experiencing a roller coaster of emotions.
Jamie takes a break from her reading. She glances out her bedroom window and sees her neighbor's daughter in the pool. A slow smile spreads across her face as she realizes that Mandy has iust taken off her floaties and is still treading water.
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