The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Very enjoyable story. I echo the above comment. If it weren't for the grammatical errors and misplaced quotation marks, it would've been a very good piece. Keep writing, and edit, edit, edit! Read books and notice how they structure the dialogue, and imitate it. Looking forward to seeing more of your work.
You hooked your reader from the beginning; good work. As the others said, don't forget to edit. It will make your good work even better!!

God bless,