The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 278 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
This is an interesting devotion. You piqued my interest with the hearse dropping off the kids. Your ending was divine and brought the article full circle while leaving a small lump in my throat.

Be careful of POV shifts. The MC is the principal so the reader can only know what he sees, thinks, or hears. You switched the POV when you went into the kid's thoughts like being glad to be anywhere that is not infested.(though you did qualify it with the words: had a smile that said) Even describing the lice is a shift unless the MC sees the lice. This could be fixed with just a little tweaking. For example: As the children bounded out of the hearse with smiles plastered on their dirt-smudged faces, the principal winced at the memory from last week. The school nurse had discovered many generations of lice living in the matted, dirty hair.
The little girl said, "Bugs must like us because we have tons of coackroaches and the bed bugs have been biting too." She pulled up her shirt to show the bites covering her belly. Shaking the memory from his head, the principal silently gave thanks that the school offered a reprieve for the kids.
I know that's kind of long and not necessarily your voice nor perfect, but I wanted to give you an example of what I meant.

You really have done an outstanding job tackling this subject. You started off with a wonderful pull. As a mother, my heart ached for the kids and I wanted to reach through the page and offer comfort. Your Bible verses tied in perfectly with your profound message. This will stick in my mind for sure and that is a good thing. With just a little tweaking (perhaps several smaller paragraphs) I could easily see this in a devotion book or magazine. Great job.
01/09/14
As a Level 1 writer, you might not be aware of the free writing lessons available on the FaithWriters forums. This week’s lesson is on writing devotionals, and next week will cover writing on topic for the weekly challenge. Look for it at http://www.faithwriters.com/Boards/phpBB2/viewforum.php?f=67, or if you’re on Facebook, you can “like” Faithwriters Writing Lessons. I’d love to have your input into the conversation there!
01/10/14
Wow! This was off the charts powerfully dramatic, while bringing forward a profound and significant message! Excellent work. This read like a magazine devotional, very well done!

God bless~
01/10/14
I loved the imagery in your first paragraph, and would really have liked to see that expanded with more detail. Fascinating and unique, and an outstanding "hook" for your piece.

The devotional section is fine, and my only suggestion would be to break it down into smaller chunks--easier for your reader to digest.

I loved that you returned to the imagery of the hearse at your conclusion--very effective writing.
This had an interesting story to bring us to the point you wanted to bring to us.

In the end, we are responsible for our end.
01/12/14
Very well written. I enjoyed the opening paragraph and was really looking forward to more of the story. Nevertheless, you transitioned well into your point and closed strong. Keep writing.
01/13/14
Good thoughts and sage advice. Keeping our destination in mind helps us along the journey to walk in a manner worthy of the end for the redeemed.

One sentence in the first paragraph I felt might have worked just a tad better if it was divided into two sentences.

You definitely have a knack for writing. Keep at it!
I did enjoy the story and the devotional message it told. Our goals at the end of our days and at the end of our lives should be clear from the start.

I thought some of the sentences were lengthy and could have been split into two or three. Also, I was wondering how the principle knew the kids had lice. Perhaps he could have watched as they scratched their Raggedy-Ann hair, indicating lice.

Nice work.
01/15/14
I love the wisdom in your message, the challenge, and the story you told. Super work!
01/15/14
Very emotional and moving devotional here. My heart hurt for those poor children. I was poor growing up but never that bad.

You touched me deeply with this fine piece. Blessings...
01/15/14
Wow! Me thinks you will not be in level one for long.

I thought this was a great devotional and it made a valid, powerful point.

My three main comments are:

1. I know from a previous post you are keen for constructive critisicm. Make sure when throwing a brick you make the comment that 'red ink is requested', or you may only see bouquets.

2. Personally I like to see shorter paragraphs and more white space. I am learning that writing is a visual art and must please the eyes if people are to read on.

3. Again personally, I would like to have seen one more Scripture quoted where "Paul reminds us that our whole faith is..." Or, if 2Tim is still the reference then that comment needed to remain in context and David raised after that comment was complete.

I'm only sharing my thoughts and in no way are they 'right', just my thoughts.

Other than points two and three above, this entire devotional flowed really well and will touch many hearts.

Blessings, Graham.
I loved this colorful, well-imagined piece. Thank you!