The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
08/29/13
This was a very good story. It drew me in quickly, and it held my attention all the way to the fine conclusion.

I enjoyed it. Thank you.

God bless~
I enjoyed this. You started out with a conflict right away, and then threw in the inner turmoil as well. It propelled me forward.

I noticed some tiny punctuation errors--a semi-colon when a comma would be more appropriate and some sentences that might have had more impact if broken down to two or three sentences. You may want to double check some of these rules. I often use Strunk and White's Element of Style. There is also a website I like because it has quizzes at the end of each section. Here's the link: http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm

I also noticed the dialog changed a bit. I liked that you showed insight into the MC with words like ain't. I'd encourage you to go deeper with something like this: I ain't stolen nothing in my life. Dialog is a great way to build your characters and bring them to life for the reader.

I think the ending was good. You left me feeling satisfied and content. It also reminded me how important it is to have those regular Bible readings and prayer time. Keep writing and I'd also encourage you to read an comment on other entries. I've learned much from reading other challenge entries. It's fascinating to see the different interpretations on the same word. I look forward to reading more of your work. Good job.
"What sins?" is a question every Christian needs to have before them. We each need a close friend who would share what he sees in us.

Good devotional for us all.

Short sentences can be powerful.

Short sentences can be a whole paragraph set apart for impact. The next paragraph can be longer with any explanations necessary.

Keep thinking and keep writing.
08/30/13
I liked that you realistically portrayed the conflict in James' spirit.

You had some issues with staying in the same tense--sometimes you wrote in past tense, and sometimes in present tense. And although you mentioned 'expose' at the end, this isn't as strong on topic as it could be.

It's a fine Level 1 story, with sincerity and an important lesson, which are far more important than the previously mentioned issues.
08/30/13
I agree with the previous comments, great story line.

I noticed punctuation and sentence structure periodically, which drew me away from your moving story of a teen in spiritual crisis. I might have found a way to highlight the "soul winner" by designating him as "Soul Winner" the first time and then Soul Winner without quotes the remainder of the story. For some reason that caught my attention.

Great topic and so realistic, even as adults we can be drawn away from our walk with God by popularity, time constraints, and such. I can see how we need our false perceptions of ourselves and priorities exposed like young James.